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09 Mar

The Madonna Complex: Why Your Man Won’t Have Sex With You Because He Prefers Pornography

Guest post by Dr. Peter Andrew Sacco Ph.D.

Sacco_254_Layout 1Have you ever heard of the Madonna complex? It has nothing to do with Madonna the entertainer.  It is not some catchy “pop” psychology concept which sprung up overnight. Its legacy can be traced back to Sigmund Freud, the great Psychoanalyst and his psychosexual theories. Freud was a major believer in the notion that all human behaviour –wishes, dreams and gratifications, had a strong psychosexual basis.

The Madonna complex asserts that the man reason men choose not to have sex with their wives is because their wives remind them too much of their mothers — having sex with their wives would be like having sex with their mothers. It’s not that these men find their wives unattractive because they don’t! Instead, they are just not “sexually/physically” into them because their wives are more like a mother figure. In fact, these “mother” figures possess a sacred resemblance for some!

Freud was big on transference, treating someone else like someone already close to you in your life. In this case it is mom. Gee, sounds a whole lot like the movie ‘Psycho’ and hit TV series ‘Bates Motel’ doesn’t it? By the way, I love both of them, and I also love my mother, but not the way Norman does. Just saying!  This transference prevents a man from having sex with his wife, for one of these two reasons:

1) His wife reminds him too much of his mother, whom he reveres, holds sacred and views her with untarnished purity.

2) His wife reminds him of his mother who hurt, neglected or mistreated him as a child and he despises her.

In either scenario, his wife vicariously becomes the physical re-incarnate of his mother (No, she is not stuffed or taxidermied!). There is not a snowball chance in hell of her receiving the physical attention she yearns for. You see, most men who select wives who remind them of the mothers, eventually end up despising their wives because they remind them too much of their moms and in many cases, they are not even physically attracted to them. Instead, the women serve more as companions or comfort figures –

mothers, sisters or nurturers who make the men feel secure in the relationship.

The attributes of the Madonna complex can be traced back to both European and Latin American roots. Marianismo is a term often linked to the Madonna complex. The concept is derived from the Roman Catholic belief that the Virgin Mother Mary was both a virgin and the lady Madonna. The theme surrounding Marianismo is moral virtue which places women on a somewhat semi-divine level. When discussing women in the context of Marianismo, they are represented as being morally superior to men. I bet some women are chuckling to themselves, saying, “I told you so!” The purity that woman are said to possess makes them spiritually stronger.

Marianismo also asserts that women are the physically weaker, gentle, docile and the passive gender. Women are “softer” in both their physicality and in their personalities. As a result of this, men are the aggressors when it comes to sex. Even though most women long to have children, men tend to be the aggressors who, “hunt”, “stalk”, “chase” and pursue their mates. Interestingly if you examine ‘stalking laws’ and stats for stalkers, exponentially more men continue to stalk women.

Even though things have greatly changed in today’s society – women being more assertive, aggressive and dominant when it comes to selecting and pursuing mates, in many parts of the world, even in North America, the virtue of women still being the weaker more passive of the two in terms of relationships is very much alive, well and the norm. Unfortunately, this is still portrayed in many soap operas, novels and of course pornography, which I will get to in a bit.

When look at Marianismo in today’s society, the following is often seen and expected in too many marriages and relationships:

1) Husbands are expected to respect and maintain the sanctity of his wife’s purity.

2) Husbands are expected to view his wife as a passive individual and she is expected to remain passive — physically, sexually and in major decision making.

3) Husbands are expected to abstain from all sexual activities with his wife unless it is for the purpose of procreation.

4) Husbands are expected to nurture his children and remain spiritually pure to set an example for the children.

5) If  a hubby feels the needs to “have sex”, then outside affairs are in order to preserve his wife’s purity, his wholesome intentions for her while at the same time satisfying his sexual cravings and massaging his male ego.

Remember folks, this is based on old school beliefs, ideologies and practices. Mercifully it has changed to embraced equality between the sexes, but too many still subscribed to these beliefs.

Then there is ‘Misogyny’, the other side of the Madonna complex coin. Misogyny is a loathing and hatred for women by men and even other women, just because they are female. Back in ancient times, there was this hateful perception of women. It was then that women were treated as second class citizens – not as valuable or revered as men (Sadly, this still happens today around the world and should not be tolerated!). In fact, the famous philosopher Aristotle once postulated women are nothing more than non-perfect men.

Misogyny depicts extreme animosity, even hatred against women. Misogyny is perpetuated in many different facets in today’s society. With the advent of multi-media and “other” new forms of entertainment, you can find it rampant still in television shows, movies, books, commercials, and especially pornography. Is it any wonder violence against women still occurs at such a high rate?

Men with the Madonna complex are trapped in dichotomous thinking; Women are either purely good, or women are purely evil (raunchy). Worst of all, when men think in such polarized terms, it is because they view life in general through these polarized lenses. The ramifications of this can prove detrimental down the road in his relationships or marriage.

With the Madonna complex, sex after marriage defiles the expectations of what a wife is suppose to be and often times the relationship develops major functional issues.  Infidelity often occurs because of sex and intimacy issues within the marriage.  A husband seeks sex with a “whore”, while a wife seeks sex with someone who is going to meet her needs emotionally –Intimacy!

Some male porn addicts possessing Madonna complex use strip clubs, massage parlours and escorts/prostitutes to satiate their sexual urges, hungers and fantasies. This is “okay” in their minds because they really are not cheating, rather using the services of a paid professional. Can you guess what the number one medium of entertain is? Pornography! Can you guess who the majority of consumers are? Men!

Many men who possess the Madonna complex, become porn addicts, and/or become incapable of having sexual relations with their wives. So many wives “blame” themselves for being unattractive, or not sexy. How can they compete with fantasies created from watching porn or seeing girls in strip clubs? It is not innocent fun when one becomes addicted to pornography, which is rampant among men, and a huge killer of marriages and relationships.

Dr. Debra Laino who is a renowned sex therapist and I wrote the Madonna Complex to show how alive the Madonna Complex is in today’s society, as well as how women (wives and girlfriends) are competing with pornography—the other woman/mistress. Most consumers of pornography traditionally have males. With that said, more women are fast becoming consumers of pornography, and as society changes, it will be interesting to see if more women develop the Madonna Complex, and offer ‘tit for tat’. Now there is a pun if I ever saw one!

IMG_0051C            Dr. Peter Andrew Sacco is the author of many books including his new popular selling books; Right Now Enough Is Enough: Overcoming Addictions & Bad Habits and The Madonna Complex, and more than 800 magazine articles. Sacco is an award-winning lecturer at universities in both the USA and Canada, specializing in relationships, criminal psychology, addictions, and mental health. He is also a frequent resident expert on several television programs and appears regularly as a guest expert on many news talk radio shows in the USA (FOX, ABC, CBS, Iheart, Coast To Coast, Global News, Reader’s Digest  etc.), as well as hosting the weekly radio show “Matters of the Mind: Managing Relationships and Mental Health.”  He is also an award-winning executive producer and host of documentaries on relationships, psychological issues and child issues. You can learn more about him, or download free books at www.petersacco.com or www.bullyingisforthebirds.com

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08 Mar

Your Voice Reveals Your Truth

Guest Post by Leah Guy

 

Your voice is an important barometer of your health. Like a finely tuned instrument, it reveals emotions such as fear, joy, strength and shame. What is said and how it is said is testimony to inner harmony. With minor nuance in tone, pace, or inflection, the voice reveals character and personality as well as mental and emotional health. An emotional imbalance will manifest in the throat or physical movement as weakness, restriction or unevenness. Hoarseness or a “frog” in the throat are signs of an internal emotional struggle.

 

Before language or advanced intellect humans conveyed information with sound and movement. Grunts and utterances delivered feelings and information from the mind and body. Over the centuries man has developed more sophisticated techniques to communicate, helping us evolve into high functioning and manipulative beings. The ability to stay connected to self and others comes from tools of communication, be it speech or movement. It is by this same means that we distance and disconnect ourselves from others.

 

The power of expression can influence one person, a group or the entire world. Articulate leaders have inspired millions to follow their lead with a passionate conviction for good or evil. Activists and social justice groups influence massive change and evolution through the passion of their voice and conviction of their heart. Words unsaid are often equally powerful. Finding the genuine and appropriate voice for yourself is a balancing act.

 

The voice should be used as a tool for expressing thought and emotion, not as a means of control. Poor communication skills can be damaging to self and others. Constriction or restriction of the voice may appear due to yelling, lying, diminishing others, or negative talk to self or others. The fear to speak up or express your needs can also have a detrimental effect.

 

The 5th or Throat Chakra is the Communications Center. It’s also called The Seat of Emotion. Healthy energy in this area coincides with speaking one’s truth and giving expression to desires, wants, needs, opinions and thoughts. As the first of the higher vibration spiritual chakras, this energy center demands the highest integrity and authentic truth that is often challenged by self-doubt and negative thinking. The Throat Chakra is more than simple vocal expression. It also includes body language, written expression and how we understand the expression of others. When the Throat Chakra is out of balance, there is often another emotional energy system that needs attention. The primary blockages to a healthy Throat Chakra are the untruths we tell ourselves and others. Deceit, lies and manipulation are the blocks that keep us trapped. Physical symptoms that may arise from an unhealthy Throat Chakra may include gum or teeth issues, neck pain, clearing of throat, chronic fatigue, headaches, thyroid and endocrine issues, hoarseness, dental issues, polyps on glands and TMJ to name a few.

 

Ignoring our fears or shortcomings traps energy in our bodies and can also develop into a variety of other emotional symptoms and patterns such as gossiping, fear of ridicule or judgment, shyness, stubbornness, verbal abuse, manipulation, inability to express thoughts, social anxiety and fear of public speaking.

 

Concealing one’s feelings and denying who you are is only damaging to one person. You. It is your responsibility to have healthy and honest expressions. Learn to say what you mean and mean what you say. One of the main reasons we lie is to hide our pain and suffering. When asked how we are, we respond with “fine” or “ok.” It’s become common practice to guard one’s expression as a means of being courteous to others or not airing dirty laundry. But it’s not fine. Continual use of these lies keeps us farther away from our happiness and healing. It’s not just deceit and lies that contribute to the imbalance of our unhealthy expression. Addiction is another indicator that emotional healing is needed. You can’t be harmonious with yourself and be in addiction. To deny that truth is to lie to yourself. When I smoked, I lied to myself about my emotional and physical health. After years of being hooked, I lied so much it became humorous. When I smoked, I convinced myself I was meditating or having some sort of spiritual experience alone in the great outdoors. I wanted to believe smoking connected me to my ancestry to the American Indian culture. The truth was the buzz from the smoke was covering the volcano of emotions that were deep in my body. It was my smoke screen.

 

The “vice” du jour offers a moment of pleasure or relief from the pain that we try to avoid. But the negative behavior is just a vice grip on your troubled inner world. It holds your suffering and it won’t let go. The lies we tell ourselves mask the truth of our integrity. Carrying such shame and fearing to admit the truth of our suffering is difficult even to ourselves. Perhaps we chase false dreams, but to ignore dreams confirms the feelings of worthlessness. Perhaps you are in denial about an eating disorder or addiction. You may be lying about your true feelings about your spouse or a friendship. These personal lies become internalized as self-criticism, self-loathing or denial of self-love. We are afraid to judge ourselves so we create excuses, blame others and manipulate situations to avoid the hurt. We lie to avoid infliction of self-pain to our spirit.

 

To heal our emotional wounds, we must practice speaking our truth in word and deed. Saying what we need, what we desire. Using your voice is not just for words alone, or to communicate with others. We often do not realize the lies we tell ourselves. Self-love, compassion and truth-telling are powerful routes to healing old wounds and scar tissue that has developed from shame, guilt, grief and fear. Do not speak what will continue to cover up these negative patterns, speak what you are today, who you are, what you feel. Energy shifts from internal awareness and expression.

 

Leah Guy is author of the new book The Fearless Path, A Radical Awakening to Emotional Healing and Inner Peace. She is also a transpersonal healer, survivor and media personality. For more info visit www.ModernSage.com/book/

Excerpted from The Fearless Path copyright 2017.

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07 Feb

Be Excerpt

Be_book coverGuest post by Bahriye Goren-Gulek

What is it about certain individuals that inspire not only themselves but also the people around them? In her recent book, Be: Become Your True Self, And Inspire Those Around You, author and branding expert Bahriye Goren-Gulek explores that certain sense of being that comes with deeper levels of awareness — which ultimately turns ordinary leaders into inspiring leaders.

 

Her book highlights eight concepts that readers can use to help them on the path to reaching deeper levels of awareness. Each chapter ends with an interview with a leading business professional who, according to the author, has learned how to bring that specific concept to life. Below, the author has shared an excerpt from Chapter 1, titled “Intuition.”

 

*****

 

The stories we tell ourselves:

 

As human beings we are known to be notorious storytellers. Our whole life experience is based on the stories we tell ourselves. Think about it. Isn’t every experience you recall a personal commentary, a thought, a perception, even an interpretation of occurrences? Two people can attend the exact same concert yet have two completely different thoughts about it and, as a result, two totally different stories to tell afterwards. You probably describe the last company outing very differently than some of your colleagues or team members might describe it. And what happens when we add the opinions and expectations of people around us to our own thoughts? The mixture of all these thoughts and opinions becomes our story and description of who we are, or who we think we are. Our thoughts create our stories, which in turn create our life – or rather, it creates how we experience our life.

 

In essence, our characters and personalities are a result of the stories we create about ourselves, as well as the people that influence us, especially at a younger age. I don’t want to go too deeply into this as it could be a topic for a separate book, but the ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu summed it up perfectly when he wrote: “Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.”

 

The thoughts and words Lao Tzu refers to are literally the stories we tell ourselves and others, over and over again. So then, how exactly does this relate to intuition? In essence: our fears and desires are a direct result of the stories we tell ourselves, and in turn these stories reinforce our fears and desires, and the vicious cycle begins. As a child, you weren’t scared to speak your mind. And yet, over time, you got conditioned to sometimes bite your tongue. You might have been humiliated (or felt humiliated) when you spoke up and people reacted adversely, so the story you told yourself was that when you speak up in certain situations, you get ‘punished’, which turned you somewhat introverted. As David Lynch (director and screenwriter) pointed out so eloquently: “We think we understand the rules when we become adults but what we really experience is a narrowing of the imagination.”

 

This same principle applies to the workplace. I’ve worked in environments where people are governed by fear. And guess what? Most likely, the leaders in those workplaces have many fears within themselves. We all know the insecure overachiever profile. I was even recruited by one of my first employers because I was one of them. But when an insecure overachiever gets to be in charge, they will demand the same work ethic from the people who work for them. I can guarantee you fear is never the best adviser.

 

The first time I became a leader, I wasn’t leading with awareness at all, and it was reflected in how my team was operating. I didn’t realize a lot of my words and actions were driven by my own insecurities, and it resulted in my team behaving in the same way. Fear makes people shut down, and nothing is more detrimental to creativity than fear. The point here is clear: people around us mirror who we are and what we radiate. If we are mindful and at peace, the people we lead will become more mindful and more at peace. Professor Mark Beeman, who specializes in cognitive neuroscience at Northwestern University, has conducted one of the most groundbreaking studies on insights and where creative problem-solving comes from. He

has shown different patterns of brain activity in high-insight versus low-insight anagram solvers, when people are completely at rest. The key conclusion was that insights do not come from logical reasoning, but are a sudden knowing that pops up in a restful state. They emerge out of a moment of nothingness. They emerge from what I would call intuition.

 

So how do we tune into this magical source called intuition? It is actually simpler than you might think, yet at the same time, its simplicity is also one of the hardest things to achieve, especially in our digitally ‘always on’ society.

 

First of all, it’s important to realize that your intuition is already present. It’s inside of you, so you don’t need to go anywhere or do anything! I have participated in many corporate and self-help training programmes out there, seeking tools to become a better person. Drumming sessions to build better teams and drum out the frustrations? Why not? Phrases like ‘limiting beliefs’ and ‘growing edge’ are thrown at you from all directions. I’ve seen colleagues break down, weeping, in some of these workshops, because they feel lost.

 

It was only after I took a break from going to these workshops that I could see what the main learning point was. The key is to remove the barriers we have put in place, versus searching to find that holy grail as if it is something outside of us. Over the years, we have become so skilled at protecting ourselves, our image, our status, that in the process we have also killed that which makes us the best leaders: our inner wisdom. We have become externally driven versus internally driven. You must recall those moments where you feel this tinkling in your gut. When all of a sudden you get an idea, or you are interviewing someone for a job and you know that it’s a bull’s eye. You just know it!

 

So how to bring back what we seem to have lost?

 

You get your intuition back when you make space for it, when you are able to silence the mind. The word ‘mindfulness’ has become extremely popular these days, giving it both a mystical as well as an unreachable status. Nothing could be further from the truth. It basically comes down to being able to stop thinking, stop talking, stop doing, and listen. Still the rational mind. The mind that society has put on a pedestal, where we think we can outsmart life. But the fact of the matter is that the rational mind doesn’t know everything. And, often, it can hinder us to find the right answers.

 

I challenge you to take 10-15 minutes of silence every day. Alone. Just switch off your phone, your laptop. And don’t switch on the TV or radio either. Sit still, even if it feels uncomfortable or boring at first, close your eyes and just focus on your breath. If you are having a hard time sitting still, you can also take a walk while doing this. The key is to not interact, not think back over things that happened or things that you want to do. Just be. Of course, thoughts will

come up. Let them. Don’t resist. Just keep being still, whether by sitting still or

while in motion. Be still.

 

Be: Become Your True Self, And Inspire Those Around You by Bahriye Goren-Gulek is available in both Kindle and Paperback version via Amazon.

 

About the Author

Bahriye Goren-GulekIn her recent book, Be: Become Your True Self, And Inspire Those Around You, author Bahriye Goren-Gulek draws on her 15 years of global experience as a brand strategy expert to inspire readers to achieve deeper levels of awareness in order to transform ordinary leadership into extraordinary leadership.

A seasoned brand strategist, Goren-Gulek has worked on both the client (Unilever) and agency side where she has consulted world class multinationals across the globe. As the former Executive Director of Innovation and Strategy at Wallace Church & Co., an award winning branding agency in New York, she has worked with the most talented creative and brand leaders. She is a university lecturer at the graduate and undergraduate level at business schools in New York, Colorado, Singapore and Taiwan. She lives with her husband, son and their dog in Boulder, Colorado.

 

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03 Feb

The Sound of Love

Werts-book coverBy Vanessa Werts, author of Lies and Love: Cleansing the Heart to Make room for Radical Love

Love is the most powerful force on earth. It has the ability to heal broken hearts, fractured by life-imposed realities, and the capacity to accept and cover immeasurable shortcomings. Love is the standard that wars against hate; it will always prevail.

We all need love to be healthy – mentally, spiritually, and some might even say, physically. Without love, how can the heart stay motivated, hopeful, and believe that it has purpose?

Not one person’s life is a mistake or a waste. We all have a purpose for being alive – a calling to answer while we’re here – that is rooted and purposed in love. In understanding our individual, unique calling, we must also learn to love. It is love that touches our lives and makes us better. Not material things, status, or money.

Love has a sound. It is the voice of encouragement, promise, protection, and validation. The sound of love, will minister life to the spirit of a newborn baby in neonatal care, fighting against the odds; it will fan the flickering flames of an aloof marriage into a blazing fire again, and will draw two souls together to vow to spend the rest of their lives building and growing as one. A father’s sound of love expressed to his young daughter gives her clear vision to navigate the troubled seas of dating, while providing for his son, an example of the makings of a man. A loving mother impresses upon her young son’s mind, the character of his future wife, and teaches her daughter the ways of a virtuous woman. This same sound of love is available and, is indeed mighty enough to heal the deep wounds of oppression and bias that plague America.

The growing dark cloud of hatred that looms over this great nation, is not who we are. We are better than mean-spirited words being shot like fiery arrows from one person or group to another. We are not the heartless nation we see playing out on television, social media, and in our communities and neighborhoods. Yet sometimes I wonder if basic human kindness is slipping away from us – one hostile word and one bullet at a time. Since the beginning of civilization until now – have we not learned to love?

Considering that love is the heart’s greatest desire, and we all want and need it, to be healthy and whole, a mutual understanding of love is in order, wouldn’t you say? This is how love is defined in the Bible: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” Now tell me, what heart wouldn’t dance to this radical sound of love?

Love demonstrated to others according to this mutual understanding, would reset a nation, putting an end to careless words and actions that cause pain, and open the door for healing and restoration to begin. Let us learn to love one another, remembering that we all just want to be accepted, considered, and respected.

Werts, Vanessa Let us purpose in our hearts today, to release the sound of love whenever we open our mouths to speak. Who knows? Your voice might hold the sound that brings healing to a family, a friend, a community, a nation. Be unrelenting in the power of love.

 

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11 Jan

Discover the Life You Were Born to Live

BookDestinies_cvr4.inddGuest post by Chetan Parkyn

I can remember quite clearly a moment in my life when I realized nothing made sense to me, that everything I had done and was doing seemed out of tune, even meaningless. I was sitting alone at a campfire in the shelter of a small group of pine trees in the highlands of Kenya, enjoying the first opportunity to be by myself in over a year. My father had died eighteen months before, and I knew I had not come to terms with his passing, especially considering how I had busied myself in all kinds of intense activities to avoid acknowledging my thoughts and feelings. In the light of his passing and reflection on the life he had lived, I had not stopped to reconsider what was important to me and what I really wanted to achieve in my own life.

 

In such a state of feeling lost, I was very fortunate soon afterward to be guided to someone, in India, who could look deeply into my life and tell me about it from a purely objective point of view. Do you know those times when you hear something that resonates deeply within you and yet you cannot altogether explain how or why it does? And how, after receiving such insight, it is impossible to go back to an old way of doing things because your perspective has completely changed?

 

Well, that is what happened in the reading I received from a savant living in India who was working with an ancient system of divination. In that reading I reconnected with the ongoing stream of my life. I recognized once more an innate sense of purpose within me that had become blurred and unsure. And one of the issues that came up in the reading was that I had a gift and I was going to start using that gift, giving readings to others, to help them find their way through life more clearly. I was informed that a system was going to come into my life that I would work with, write books about, and introduce to people all over the world, and that what came through me would change their lives forever. The savant suggested that I should get ready for this new system by immediately starting to practice reading for people — I should find a system, any system, through which I could reflect people back to themselves and practice telling them what I saw, so that I would be ready when the “new” system showed up. I was introduced to hand reading, or palmistry, and went from there, exploring and practicing in every ancient wisdom tradition and system of divination I could find.

 

The “new” system that the savant foretold is Human Design, which came into being eight years after the reading I received and into my life six years later, in 1993. I immediately recognized it as the system the savant had predicted, and dove into its study. I discovered the essential value in Human Design and started the task of simplifying what could be seen as a complex system, rendering it into easy, everyday language. Over the years, it has become clear to me that people benefit greatly from being aware of the keys in their Human Design Life Chart. In fact, the system has served to bring huge transformation and empowerment to the thousands of people for whom I’ve read and taught worldwide.

 

So much has transpired since the reading I had in India all those years ago, because the clarification of my journey has resulted directly in my helping others to clarify theirs. My first book, Human Design: Discover the Person You Were Born to Be, is now out in 11 language versions and counting; the second book, The Book of Lines, is being embraced in many circles worldwide; and the third book, The Book of Destinies: Discover the Life You Were Born to Live, coauthored with my life partner, Carola Eastwood, contains descriptions of all 192 different Life Themes that are possible for our life on Earth.

 

We have to acknowledge that massive change is going on in the world and that we are being exposed to more and more information and challenges every minute of every day. New situations come into our lives, and we have to be clear in how we deal with them. We find that trying to follow old patterns of rules and beliefs we used in earlier times no longer works. If we can adapt to circumstances through our own authenticity, present to each moment, then we find that we are in balance with life. This is what is possible through the understanding of Human Design and the realignment with our Life Theme.

 

Human Design gives clear details on how to engage more successfully with life according to your own Human Design. Now The Book of Destinies takes you deep into the heart and soul of the meaning of your unique lifetime. It is as if you can peer into that moment when your Spirit got the vision for this lifetime and know exactly what is intended for this journey. In the kaleidoscope of human possibility, there are 192 Life Themes, and before birth each of us chooses one of them as our theme and purpose in this lifetime.

 

Understanding your Life Theme will bring you a profound recognition, similar to the one I had all those years ago, of the underlying premise to your life. You will come to appreciate the uniqueness of the particular path you tread, recognizing how you engage with some people and situations effortlessly but find yourself uninterested in, or even distracted by, others. You will be reminded how essential it is for you to be fulfilled in your own needs. And you will recognize how to achieve this while at the same time navigating comfortably within the lives and influences of others whose Life Themes you will also come to know and appreciate.

# # #

 Chetan Parkyn is the author of Human Design, The Book of Lines, and most recently The Book of Destinies. He is the world’s most successful practitioner of Human Design and holds frequent workshops and seminars all over the globe. Visit him online at http://www.HumanDesignForUsAll.com.

 

Based on the book The Book of Destinies. Copyright © 2016 by Chetan Parkyn and Carola Eastwood.

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20 Dec

VISUALIZE PROSPERITY

An excerpt from the 40th Anniversary Edition of Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain

If anyone can be called a self-help, self-actualization pioneer, it is Shakti Gawain. Years before “manifestation,” “the law attraction,” and “the secret” entered the lexicon, Shakti was sharing daily affirmations, meditations, and mental imagery practices that millions found could help them achieve goals, change habits, relax deeply, and significantly improve overall health and well-being.  We hope you’ll enjoy this excerpt from the new 40th anniversary edition of her international bestseller Creative Visualization.

 

# # #

 

A very important part of the whole creative visualization process is developing a sense of prosperity. This means having the understanding, or consciously taking the point of view, that the universe is abundant, that life is actually trying to bring us what our hearts and souls truly desire — spiritually, mentally, emotionally, as well as physically. Almost everything you truly need or want is here for the asking; you only need to believe that it is so, truly desire it, and be willing to accept it.

 

One of the most common causes of failure when seeking what you want is “scarcity programming.” This is an attitude or set of beliefs about life that goes something like this:

 

There isn’t enough to go around….

Life is suffering….

It is immoral or selfish to have enough when others don’t….

Life is hard, difficult, a vale of tears….

You must work hard and sacrifice for everything you gain….

It’s more noble and spiritual to be poor….

 

These are all false beliefs. They are based on a lack of understanding of how the universe works, or a misunderstanding of some important spiritual principles. These beliefs are not of service to you or anyone else; they simply limit all of us from realizing our natural state of prosperity and plenty on all levels.

 

At the present time there is a reality in this world of starvation and poverty for many people, but we do not need to keep creating and perpetuating that reality. The fact is that there is more than enough to go around for every being on earth, if we are willing to open our minds to that possibility, and change our ways of using and distributing the world’s resources. The universe is a place of great abundance and we are all meant to be naturally prosperous, both in material and spiritual wealth, in a way that is balanced and harmonious with one another and with the earth that nourishes us.

 

In modern times, humankind has lost touch with its natural state of prosperity. Together, we are creating a world vastly out of balance, in which a relative few have far more than they need and are using up our natural resources at an alarming rate, while the majority suffer from serious lack. We are all responsible for creating this reality, and we can change it by changing both our way of thinking and our way of living. We need to reclaim our ability to appreciate and enjoy the simple pleasures in life. Many of us in the industrialized world need to cultivate a simpler, more natural lifestyle. We need to realize that after our basic needs are met, the experience of abundance has more to do with expressing our creative gifts in satisfying ways, and learning to give and receive in a balanced way, than it does with extravagant consumerism.

 

The truth about this earth is that it is an infinitely good, beautiful, nourishing place to be. The only “evil” comes from a lack of understanding of this truth. Evil (ignorance) is like a shadow — it has no real substance of its own; it is simply a lack of light. You cannot cause a shadow to disappear by trying to fight it, by stamping on it, by railing against it, or by any other form of emotional or physical resistance. In order to cause a shadow to disappear, you must shine light on it.

 

Take a look at your belief system and see if you are holding yourself back by not believing sufficiently in the possibility of prosperity. Can you actually realistically imagine yourself as a successful, satisfied, fulfilled person? Can you really open your eyes to the goodness and beauty and abundance that are all around you? Can you imagine this world transformed into a prosperous and supportive environment in which everyone can flourish?

You will experience difficulty in creating what you want in your personal life unless you view the world as a good place to be and a place that works for everyone.

 

This is because human nature is basically loving, and so most of us will not allow ourselves to have what we want as long as we believe that we might be depriving others in order to do so.

 

We have to understand in a deep way that having what we truly want in life contributes to the general state of human happiness and supports others in creating more happiness for themselves.

 

To create prosperity, we need to visualize ourselves living as we desire to live, doing what we love, feeling satisfied with what we attain, in a context of other people doing the same.

 

In a spirit of fun, try this exercise to stimulate your imagination and expand your ability to visualize true prosperity:

 

Abundance Meditation

 

Relax completely in a comfortable position.

 

Picture yourself in any lovely natural environment — perhaps by a green, open meadow with a lovely brook, or on white sand by the ocean. Take some time to imagine all the beautiful details, and see yourself fully enjoying and appreciating your surroundings. Now begin to walk, and soon find yourself in some totally different surrounding environment, perhaps exploring a waving field of golden grain, or swimming in a lake. Continue to wander and explore — finding more and more exquisitely beautiful environments of great variety — mountains, forests, deserts, whatever suits your fantasy. Take a little time to appreciate each one.

 

 

Now imagine returning home to a simple but comfortable and lovely environment, whatever would most suit you. Imagine having loving family, friends, and community around you. Visualize yourself doing work that you love, and expressing yourself creatively in ways that feel just right for you. You are being amply rewarded for your efforts, in internal satisfaction, appreciation from others, and financial return. Imagine yourself feeling fulfilled and thoroughly enjoying your life. Step back, and see if you can imagine a world full of people living simply yet abundantly, in harmony with one another and the earth.

# # #

 

Shakti Gawain is a bestselling author and a pioneer in the field of personal growth and consciousness. The 40th Anniversary edition of her classic work Creative Visualization: Use the Power of Your Imagination to Create What You Want in Life was recently published by New World Library.

 

Excerpted from Creative Visualization: Use the Power of Your Imagination to Create What You Want in Life © 2002 by Shakti Gawain. Printed with permission of New World Library, Novato, CA — www.newworldlibrary.com.

 

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16 Dec

The Ins and Outs of Coping with Suicidal Thoughts

walk-gardenManaging suicidal thoughts is not an easy task for anyone. While treatment is the most important part of handling this symptom of depression, it’s not always enough. There are a number of things you can be doing to help yourself overcome these thoughts and negative emotions. If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, here are a few things you can be doing to help cope.

First Step is Quality, Consistent Treatment

It cannot be stressed enough that consistent treatment is necessary for someone experiencing suicidal thoughts. While you can do some things to help counteract depression and suicidal thoughts, these actions are no replacement for professional help. If you cannot afford traditional treatment, you may consider online treatment or getting advice from a free health clinic.

Build a Support Network

No one should have to overcome suicidal thoughts alone. Try to open up to people in your life who can help you through this difficult time. Know that you may have to offer them resources for how they can help, why suicidal thoughts occur, and what depression is. A support network can only be as good as their information on the problem. Of course, you may not feel comfortable opening up to anyone close to you, and if so, that’s ok. There are many suicide prevention services waiting to help you. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and IMAlive at 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) are both toll-free crisis hotlines available 24/7.

Do Your Best to Exercise Regularly

Exercise is one of the best depression-fighting activities you can do. The endorphins it releases allow your mood to go up and your suicidal thoughts to be less frequent. Unfortunately, depression also makes it very difficult to do regular exercise. Even tasks that seem simple to others can appear to be impossible. Find a method of exercise that you enjoy doing. For example, if you hate running, try swimming. It’s a great workout and it’s also calming and soothing. On the good days, be sure to fit exercise in. On the bad days, don’t beat yourself up over missing a workout. Instead set smaller goals. For example, your exercise for the day may be walking to check your mail or completing one household cleaning task. These are tasks that will help you get up and moving when feeling especially depressed.

Consider Adopting a Dog

Dogs are another excellent way to fight depression. A dog can prevent feelings of loneliness by offering love and affection as well as a happy face to come home to. Dogs will also make exercise easier by insisting on playtime or daily walks. In fact, if you don’t feel up to taking on the responsibility of caring for a pet fulltime, you might offer your services as a dog walker. When you do so, you’ll get the physical and mental health benefits of being around dogs, while making some extra money on the side. Whether you’re walking your own dog or someone else’s, the outings will be essential because they’ll give you the opportunity for more social interaction as people stop to say hi to the dog and ask what his name is. It may not seem like much, but to someone with depression, it can make all the difference.

Meditate Daily

Meditation takes far less effort and can be easier to perform on your bad days. It may not have an immediate effect but, with time, meditation can help you stay calm and rational throughout your illness. It is the practice of learning to control your own mind, an invaluable skill for someone with depression. Even a few minutes each day spent meditating can make a difference. Perhaps the best thing about meditation is that it can be done anywhere. So, whether you find yourself needing a moment to quiet your mind at work or at home, meditation is a great tool to have in your belt, offering you a positive solution to calming negative thoughts.

Find an Enjoyable Hobby

Depression can suck the joy out of every activity you do, including hobbies. However, a hobby is still an excellent tool to distract your mind and hands when a suicidal thought strikes. It can also help manage other symptoms of depression by allowing you to feel as though you did something productive. Many people with depression will experience worsened symptoms after a day spent unable to do anything. Even if you only manage to knit a single hat, you have accomplished something and that knowledge can be very helpful.

Suicidal thoughts can be intrusive, leaking into every aspect of your life. However, if you can build a solid support system, make a few positive changes in your daily routine, and ensure that you are getting help, it is fully possible to recover from this condition.

Image via Pixabay by Tabeajaichhalt

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16 Dec

Love is Undefeated

Guest Post by Vanessa D. Werts
Have you ever wondered what your life would be if you could conquer your fears, fully connect with your purpose for being alive, and love yourself and others unconditionally? Well, if you believe in the healing power of love, there is a pre-destined path for you to get there.

 

Anything love touches, comes alive and grows. The heart responds to love with exuberance, and also knows and reacts when there is a lack of it. Without exception, God put a spirit of love on each one of us when his hands touched and formed us in our mothers’ womb. After we were born, that same touch created a void that the heart is wildly in search of as we look to people for this radical love of God we once knew.

 

If you asked ten people what love means to them, you would probably get ten different answers. However, there is a definition and demonstration of love that every heart would acknowledge as true love, and it looks like this: “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NLT). There isn’t a heart beating that would dispute being treated in this way.

 

My nonfiction book Lies and Love: Cleansing The Heart To Make Room For Radical Love (November 2016), a 30-Day Heart Cleanse for Women, is a tool for inner healing. In the Bible, it says that the heart is “extremely sick” (see Jeremiah 17:9), and it also says to “guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life” (Proverbs 4:23 NLT). Lies and Love offers a spiritual approach to identify and cast out the residue left behind from traumatic life experiences, then fills up those empty places with love. The cleanse is also designed to activate your God-given gifts and talents.

 

In the opening of the book, I share my own heart story and how daddy issues and being sexually assaulted as a teen affected my self-worth. Then God got my attention one day and taught me to value and honor myself; by his love, he healed my life and defeated every enemy of my soul.

 

What is your heart story? This is the question I ask in Lies and Love. As you follow the spiritual journey through the heart, you will be able to pinpoint your own heart issues. These issues or chaos, would be feelings such as anger, bitterness, fear, frustration, grudges, rejection, resentment, shame, and even hatred, that have become trapped in the heart, affecting how you view yourself and how you interact with and treat others. A chaotic heart is unhealthy and often leads to feeling insecure, unloved, unworthy, and sorrowful. Though we all may experience a range of these emotions at some point in our lives, if you feel like this most of the time, your heart needs to be healed.

 

Any attitude, behavior, or habit that is counterproductive to your life is an indicator that something is going on in the heart that should be addressed. Do any of the following issues play out in your life or concern you on a regular basis?

  • Are you angry often and take it out on those close to you?
  • Is sarcasm your way of communicating with people?
  • Are you frustrated with your current station in life (career, personal, spiritual)?
  • Are you single and discouraged by the dating scene?
  • Does your childhood still haunt you today?
  • Are you indifferent about major decisions you need to make?
  • Do you have a bias against a particular group of people?

 

This is a short list but it makes the point that, just as the issues of life vary, so do the issues of the heart that affect how we function day to day. Only you and God know your heart story, and he wants to heal the hurtful memories of your past that keep you from living fearlessly and loving fully, today.

 

Before the actual 30-day cleanse commences, the topics of lies and love are explored from a heavenly perspective. Lies are considered to be anything that God did not say or provision for your life, according to Scripture. For instance, living with regret is living a lie. Why? Because having regret causes you to hold something you’ve previously done, against yourself now; it’s like having a vendetta against yourself. But the Bible commands us to always forgive, which also includes forgiving ourselves.

 

During the cleanse process, chaos is expelled from the heart through daily activities that are guided by scripture, encouraging women to forgive, pursue love, celebrate their lives, and live on purpose. The 30- Day Heart Cleanse is a literal and spiritual step forward into a new season of your life.

 

Do you want to live that abundant life you dream of, now? Believe that it is possible; let go of emotional baggage, and always remember to love. Love is the undisputed, undefeated, champion.

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VANESSA D. WERTS is the author of Lies and Love and other fiction books about relationships, love and forgiveness. She’s a military veteran, minister, and champion for women achieving a healthy selfimage. When she’s not writing, you can find her speaking to church groups and to college students about the messages in her books. Vanessa has an abiding love to bridge the gap from people’s life experiences to the promises of God. Her website is www.VanessaWerts.com.

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09 Dec

Grassroots Actions are Key for Peace in the Holy Land

Guest post by Dr. Frank Romano, December 7th, 2016

 

I sincerely believe that one of the keys to peace in the Middle is through grassroots efforts to organized interfaith dialogues, to bring people together when politicians, many religious leaders tend to tear them apart chasing their silver linings. The success of these efforts is directly proportional to the results of the dialogues which are designed to open up people’s hearts to each other, to help them overcome years of negative programming derived from the fear and hate exacerbated by ignorance of each other’s culture and religion. To illustrate that, I use an example of a typical interfaith dialogue I lead that could take place either in Israel or in the West Bank:

 

During one session, Jews, Muslims and Christians (sometimes they are orthodox, sometimes liberal practitioners) are sitting next to each other in a circle. They were breaking bread together and drinking tea or eating humus. After an hour, I asked Jacob the Jew to tell me about Muhammad, his orthodox Muslim neighbor or visa-versa. He responded by saying they are talking which, coming from isolated unmixed villages in Israel, is new to them. He added that they have something in common in that their children go to the same school in a third village. The Jew and the Muslim, in their discussion, instead of talking about divisive subjects like religion or politics, they talk about everyday things, like the price of lunch at school has increased, or the history teacher is weird, etc. They were really bonding, becoming friends. Then I asked Sam the Christian what he thought about the group and he responded that he had invited Jacob and Muhammad to experience Christmas with him and his family in December, that they were all going to break the Ramadan fast at Muhammad’s house tonight and would attend Chanukah festivities with Jacob.

 

However, he said there was a problem. Jacob’s and Muhammad’s religion are taking him down the wrong path because they don’t believe in Jesus as their savoir. That opened the “Pandora’s Box” on the topic of religion. Muhammad interrupted and stated that the Jews and Christians didn’t accept Muhammad as an important prophet and then Jacob opened up his Torah and claimed non-Jews don’t accept the importance of Moses and Abraham as the principle prophets. During the discussion that followed, they implied that they don’t share the same God and that they were going to heaven but not those from other religions.

 

As the facilitator of the dialogue, I didn’t judge any of them. I opened up my Torah (first five chapters of the Old Testament), the New Testament and the Qur’an and lead the following discussion on comparing the main principles and philosophies found in those writings. After an hour discussion, most of the members of the dialogue are surprised to learn that all the texts reflect many similar principles, such as the belief in one God, thou shalt not kill, the obligation to help the poor, treat your neighbor with respect. . .etc.

 

After an hour discussing that, I asked the group another question, this time focusing my attention on the Christian as he views his Jewish or Muslim neighbor.

 

“Since there are so many similarities among those sacred writings, do you think it is possible you may share the same God?  After a short discussion, many members now say it is possible.

 

Then I close the dialogue with one last question:

 

“Does it make sense to kill in the name of God if you share the same God? You don’t need to answer that now. Think about it and we’ll resume the dialogue in a month or so.”

 

After we agree to continue the dialogue, I left them to ruminate over the last question without expecting an immediate response and then I returned two months later to the Holy Land to continue the dialogue.

 

Despite the bonding going on among the members of different religions in the above dialogues, they are useless without follow-up actions, which are occasions were the participants walk the talk working on peace projects. Working together, sweating together with few words is when the true profound bonding takes place. I believe those interfaith dialogues and peace marches in Israel and Palestine are thus taking steps, but those are just the first steps. In sum, our work doesn’t end there. The same mixed group, with my participation, continues bonding by rebuilding buildings destroyed during the conflict between Israelis and the Palestinians. But the rebuilding, for the moment, has only taken place on the Palestinian side and should include buildings on both sides of the wall, including the Israeli side.

 

Interfaith activists also engage in the replanting of olive trees that have been uprooted to make way for the walls and part of the confiscation of land engaged in by Israel in the West Bank. Olives are the most important crop for Palestinians who often have difficulties harvesting them due to attacks by Israeli settlers who often steal the olives, even set fire to Palestinian olive trees, some hundreds of years old. In addition, many of the Palestinians who normally help their families harvest the olives are in jail or have left the lands, so there is a serious lack of farm workers to help in the harvest. Thus, I along with many other activists, join the Palestinians in the fields to help them harvest olives in October.

 

A final goal of organizing these interfaith groups and engaging in projects discussed above is to create a massive non-violent peace movement among Israelis and Palestinians, and world activists. We then encourage the activists to exert pressure on their governments to lobby the return of Israel and Palestine to the negotiation table in order to find a solution to the conflict. Only then will the people be finally free and prosperous.

 

My efforts over the last 10 years to organize interfaith events and peace & freedom demonstrations in the Holy Land are chronicled in my book: Love and Terror in the Middle East, 4th Edition.

 

In conclusion, the Holy Land is the epicenter of world conflict, and until a durable peace is found there, the world will remain at war.

 

ABOUT DR. FRANK ROMANO

FRANK ROMANO earned a PhD at University of Paris I, Panthéon Sorbonne. He is a Maître de conférences (assistant tenured professor) at the Université Paris Ouest Nanterre La Défense in the Anglo-American Literature and Civilization Department and a member of the California and Marseille Bars. At present, he teaches law, literature, history and philosophy of law at the Université Paris Ouest Nanterre La Défense and practices law in France and in the United States. The author actively organizes and participates in interfaith events involving Jews, Moslems, Christians and people of other faiths in Israel and Palestine.

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08 Dec

Help for Your Anxious Child. Replacing Worried Thoughts with Coping Thoughts.

Guest Post by Donna Shea & Nadine Briggs

The emotion that a child feels when he or she worried is real, but most anxiety is based on something that only might happen. Most worried thoughts begin with the words “what if?” If your child struggles with anxiety, it is important for him or her to know that she doesn’t have to let the worries win. He or she can overcome the anxiety by replacing a worried thought with a coping thought.

In our workbook, I Feel Worried: Tips for Kids on Overcoming Anxiety, we provide many ideas for managing anxiety along with a list of coping thoughts for many situations that kids can become anxious about. Here are a few:

Worried Thoughts Coping Thoughts
What if I feel embarrassed? I’ll ask for help if I need it. It’s always OK to ask for help.
What if I’m in class and I don’t know anybody? I will try to say hello to just one person. If that doesn’t work, I will try another person.
What if kids bully me or act in a mean way? I’ll just say “what ev” if someone is bothering me or someone is not being nice.
I like fireworks but what if it’s loud? I will remember a time when I was scared but I could power through it. I can bring ear protectors just in case.
I’m going to a new school this fall. What if I don’t make any friends? I can decide to be friendly and bring new friends into my life. I will focus on making friends instead of on my worry.
What if I don’t know what to do next and feel too shy to ask? I can decide to solve my problems. I will stop the worry and to action to ask the question.
My dad is late picking me up. I wonder if something happened to him. I will focus on positive thoughts to keep the bad thoughts out of my brain.
I hope my project is good enough. I tried to make it perfect but what if it isn’t? I can only try to do my best.

No one is perfect.
I might need a shot when I go to the doctor next time and it will hurt. I will take three deep belly breaths to relax my body, then count to three and the shot will be over just like that!


donna-sheaDonna Shea, Founder of the Peter Pan Center for Social and Emotional Growth and Nadine Briggs, Director of Simply Social Kids are authors of the How to Make and Keep Friends book and workbook series. Briggs and Shea specialize in coaching and creating simple tips and language for kids with social and emotional learning challenges.

Connect with Briggs and Shea on www.howtomakeandkeepfriends.com, Twitter, and Facebook.

 

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