by Joseph J.B. Bensmihen

(excerpted from Taking Your Place at the Table: The Art of Refusing to Be an Outsider, Morgan James Publishing, 2017)

When you need to solve a problem, call to the table people with the necessary skills. Don’t just call people with good intentions.

This is the fundamental principle for solving any problem. Yet in practice, it’s often overlooked—especially in federal and state legislatures, where the prevailing idea is When there’s a problem, the best people to solve it are politicians.

This is completely backward. Politicians’ main job is not to have good ideas and wise solutions. It’s to solicit good ideas and wise solutions from the right people, and turn the best ones into law.

I’ve been very closely involved with the health care industry all of my life. I’ve been a patient, a volunteer, a caregiver, a manager, a home care business owner, an advocate, a social worker, an adviser to federal and state legislators, a lobbyist, an organizer, and an association president. Because I lived for two decades in Canada and almost three decades in the United States, I’ve been able to closely compare the different health care systems. I’m in a unique position to see what can work in the U.S.—and what never will.

Let’s start with something that won’t work: Obamacare. It had noble goals, but it simply didn’t work very well in its first couple of years of implementation. Its predecessor, the Massachusetts-based Romneycare, didn’t work very well, either. Neither the Democratic Obama nor the Republican Romney recognized their programs’ primary flaw: each one forced large numbers of people to pick a health care plan they didn’t particularly like.

In health care, as in so many forms of human activity, if you have to force people to do something, it’s because they don’t want it or it doesn’t work. If something does work, you won’t have to force people to use it, because they will naturally gravitate to it.

The problem behind both Obamacare and Romneycare is that they were created primarily by politicians—people who don’t fully understand the economics of health care.

The job of designing any state or national health care program should be delegated to people who design health care plans for a living: actuaries. We’ll come back to these people shortly.

In order to fix the American health care system, we need to start not with something that doesn’t work, but with something that does. The United States already has an excellent health care program: Medicare. Americans are very happy with Medicare. I don’t believe an American has ever said to me, “Medicare sucks. When I turn 65, I’m not going anywhere near it. I’m buying my own private insurance instead.”

So, one part of the solution is to take an already popular program—Medicare—and make it available to everyone.

If this idea makes you uncomfortable because it’s socialized medicine, get over it, because Americans really, really like Medicare. If you think they’re wrong to like it, then for the next month try telling everyone you know, “We need to take Medicare away from our elderly neighbors, because it’s socialism.” Then let me know how things work out for you.

On the other hand, if you’re thinking, Wait a minute, JB. Medicare’s going broke. It’s not sustainable, you’re completely right. We can’t have a health care system that goes broke. So we need to fix the economics behind Medicare.

That’s what our politicians probably won’t do. But a group of competent actuaries can.

Making Medicare sustainable isn’t rocket science. Just call to the table a nonpartisan (or bipartisan) group of experienced actuaries. Say to them, “Figure out what American workers and employers can reasonably afford. Then, based on that amount of money, figure out how much health care we can pay for. Design a bunch of different programs around those numbers, and make sure each program pays for itself. Then bring us all the options and we’ll pick one.”

I don’t know what the actuaries will come up with. But any plan they come up with will stay solvent—and will give every American citizen reasonable health care coverage. Our current system does neither.

I’m sure that some aspects of Medicare will need to change. Maybe it will eventually kick in at age 67 rather than 65. Maybe the cost of the plan will need to go down gradually between the ages of 64 and 70. Maybe some things that are currently covered will need to become optional, for an additional charge. Maybe the market for Medicare supplements will expand to cover people of all ages. This is all fine, so long as the plan is based on solid economics, not ideology.

Whatever plan gets implemented, it will surely need tweaking. That’s fine, too. People will be very vocal, and very public, about what works and what doesn’t. Congress can listen to them for a couple of years, then bring the actuaries back to the table and say, “Here’s what people are saying. Come up with some fixes.” And they will.

Some years ago, the University of Wisconsin built a group of new buildings around a large open area. Once the buildings were ready to use, they did something—or, rather, didn’t do something—that I consider genius. Instead of putting in walkways, and trying to force people to walk in certain patterns, they left the area bare for an entire academic year. During that year, the university’s planners paid close attention to where people actually walked.

The next summer, when they put in the walkways, they were exactly where they needed to be, because they weren’t based on some planner’s grand idea, but on the real people who schlepped back and forth across the open space.

Bio

At the age of six, Joseph Bensmihen walked into Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau’s office, asked for an immediate meeting with him, and got it. Five years later, he was the first disabled Canadian student to be mainstreamed in a public school.

As an adult, JB has been a highly successful business owner, an advisor to

many members of Congress, the former President of the Private Care Association, a highly sought-after speaker, and a strong advocate for the disabled. He lives in St. Petersburg, Florida.

For more information about JB and his book, visit www.takingyourplaceatthetable.com.

Is your pretentious behavior destroying your life? It’s never too late to drop the act, rebuild your character, and find your true power. Authors Greg Miller, Aaron Hill, and Jack Skeen share the secrets to help you stop pretending today and discover the real you.

          Hoboken, NJ (October 2017)—You’d like to believe you’re an honest, brilliant, and overall fantastic person, but can you really say you’re as upstanding and (dare we say it) as superior as you’re pretending to be? Probably not. Too many people put on a carefully constructed veneer of perfection and live life inside that false (glamorous, selfless, confident) persona. If you’re one of them, you may believe pretending helps you get ahead and makes people like and envy you. Not true, says Greg Miller: Even if you do manage to fool a few people, you’re only hurting yourself.

“The person you are is so much more powerful than the person you’re pretending to be,” says Miller, who along with Jack Skeen and Aaron Hill wrote The Circle Blueprint: Decoding the Conscious and Unconscious Factors that Determine Your Success (Wiley, October 2017, ISBN: 978-1-119-43485-6, $26.00, www.thecircleblueprint.com). “Pretentious behavior stifles your authentic self, both the bad and the good qualities. When you pretend to be smarter, stronger, or better than you are, it also squelches your talents and your ability to connect to others. It stops you from growing into your real potential.”

The authors describe pretentiousness as the need to appear more accomplished and successful than you really are. Those displaying pretentious behavior are preoccupied with how others view them and must always be seen in a favorable light. It manifests in many under-the-radar ways, but, ultimately, pretentious behavior prevents you from achieving independence.

Independence, by the way, is one of the four critical developmental areas discussed in The Circle Blueprint. The book is part of a larger self-improvement program called the Circle Blueprint System, which also includes workbooks and a confidential scientifically validated psychometric self-assessment. The self-assessment is free with purchase of the book. According to the authors, being independent means taking 100 percent responsibility for your life and the outcomes of your choices, living free from the self-talk and the torment of inner doubts and insecurities, staying in the present moment, and avoiding drama. Bottom line? You can’t be independent and stuck in a pattern of deceiving others.

“Pretending doesn’t have to be extreme—having a secret second family or practicing medicine when you never went to medical school—to be damaging,” says Skeen. “Even pretending in subtle ways sabotages your relationships and keeps you from ever finding your true source of strength and power.”

If you can break out from the habit of pretending, you’ll ultimately be happier, and others will finally get to see the real you. But first you must release the need to win others’ approval and find independence by dropping the pretense. Keep reading to learn what happens when you choose to pretend instead of being your real self (which could be pretty darn great if you would just let it shine through!). Then check out the authors’ guidelines to help you slay your pretentious behavior once and for all.

Red Flags That You Are Pretending Your Life Away

You get ahead by taking credit when you should not. Your success is due to the work of someone else or maybe even dumb luck. And when people think you’re responsible for the positive outcome, you don’t correct them.

You are secretive or dishonest with your partner. You may keep secrets from your spouse or partner. These could be small secrets, like sneaking candy bars and sodas even though you claim to be faithfully following your diet. Or you may be hiding bigger, more serious secrets or telling bigger lies. Either way, these deceits throw your relationship into a crisis of trust and stop any chances you may have of knowing each other.

You put undue pressure on your kids. If you have children, you may be affecting them with your pretentious behavior. Whether you pretend you were better at sports than you were, or to have received better grades, you are pretending in order to “earn” their respect and pressure them to be like you. But any respect this creates will dissolve when and if they discover the truth.

You can’t maintain real friendships. Friendships are important because your friends are your allies in life; they are people with resources that you can call on when you need help. But they can’t thrive when they’re not built upon trust and mutual respect. Thanks to your pretentiousness, your friendships are built on a weak foundation. It’s possible, even, that your friends see through your façade and therefore keep you at arm’s length.

You live with the fear of being discovered. Because you spend so much time pretending to be greater than you actually are, deep down you feel like a fake. This knowledge leads to a feeling of fear and anxiety of being “found out.” You may even feel the need to avoid certain people who know the truth about your life, or worry when the phone rings for fear of being exposed.

You have no foundation for discovering your power. By building a life on a foundation of deceit and pretense instead of substance, you’ve inhibited your ability to create a useful and powerful life. Because your successes, your reputation, and even your possessions came by way of dishonesty, you have no idea how to use your actual abilities and skills to chart your course.

You ruin your real confidence. An unintended consequence of pretending is, ironically, that you undermine your confidence in yourself. Because you know you have achieved your successes through dishonesty, you lose faith in your actual capabilities. In short, you have trusted a lie over the truth about yourself.

You lie frequently and have a reputation as a liar. Pretending is the same as lying. Every lie you tell makes it more difficult for you and the world around you to see your true value. Sometimes you may even lie when you have nothing to gain from it. Unfortunately, others can often see that you are a liar and may avoid spending time around or collaborating with you.

You lose yourself…your real self. The more you pretend, the less you become aware about your true identity and lose yourself completely. Eventually you come to believe your own lies and your uniqueness dissipates.

Quick Tips to Help You Stop Pretending and Find Your Real Power

Figure out when you first started pretending. Think back in your past, even to your childhood. Do you remember when you realized that the truth may not get you what you wanted or could cause you difficulty? At that moment, you lacked inner confidence and made the wrong decision. Realize that today you can develop the tools to build real confidence and stop hiding behind lies and deception.

Discover what you’re really afraid of. A big motivation of pretentiousness is fear—fear of an unwanted outcome of some kind. What are you trying to avoid by pretending? Are you trying to escape hard work, or dodge a sense of shame, or hide the fact that you feel unworthy? List all the fears or consequences you try to avoid by behaving pretentiously.

Assess the damage. Until you can identify your pretense, it’s almost impossible to give it up. So consider all the ways you have been pretending in your life. This may be tricky, because you’ve likely been pretending for so long that you almost believe your pretense is true. Figure out all the ways in which you lie by omission, cut corners, take credit unduly, or actively deceive. Vow to change the behavior today.

Accept yourself for who you are. Giving up pretending requires you to accept yourself for who you are. While it is certainly true that you aren’t good at everything and it may be true that you aren’t everything the people in your life want you to be, it is critical that you accept yourself for who you are—strong and weak, good and bad. Make a list of your true strengths and weaknesses and work on accepting that you are enough as you are.

Come clean. Review any area in your life where you are lying or deceiving others and come clean. Until you do, your integrity will be weak, and you will have difficulty expanding your life and being whole. Make a complete list and then summon your courage to have the difficult conversations you need to have. Start by admitting to others that you have not been telling the truth. Apologize and tell them what is true. Ask for their forgiveness. Promise not to deceive them in the future.

Embrace absolute honesty. In order to keep growing, you need to be completely honest in every word you speak. But this is something you’ll have to practice constantly. Notice when you are considering saying something that isn’t true. Catch yourself and speak truthfully instead. If you have a slip-up, go back and correct it. Practicing complete candor helps you leave pretending behind.

Make clear agreements. Clear agreements have a well-defined outcome and a specific date and time they will be completed. When you don’t have clear agreements, you leave room for misunderstanding. Focus on making your agreements crystal clear, so you are more able to keep them. When you realize you won’t be able to keep your agreement, immediately call the person with whom you have it and renegotiate it. When you do so, you maintain trust in the relationship.

Learn to say no. Saying no is a valuable skill to learn when you are working on developing honesty. When you make agreements to appease others, overcommit, or fail to think through your interest in whatever agreement you are making, you set yourself up to not follow through. How many items have been lingering on your to-do list for months or even years? Start by learning to say no. Say no to whatever you don’t want to do. Say no to whatever you know you won’t be able to do. Say no a lot.

Focus on “being” instead of “doing.” Many people seem to act as if the success in their life is about what they do. They are successful if they get a good job, make a lot of money, have a lot of power. But real success in life has more to do with who you are than with what you do. Therefore, “being” is far more important than “doing.” Weak people can create outward success but often struggle to maintain it, while strong people build a foundation on which a successful future can be built. To build this foundation, focus on “being” by noticing your character, acting with honor, and always speaking candidly. This is the key to earning others’ respect without pretending.

“When you finally stop pretending, you find your true power,” concludes Hill. “By becoming aware of all the ways pretending has strangled your well-being, you can take the steps to drop the façade and figure out how to reconnect with the real you. Glimmers of your genuine greatness are no doubt shining through and waiting to be released. Look for them today, and you’ll soon begin to remember who you really are.”

# # #

About the Authors:
JACK SKEEN, PhD, is the founder of Skeen Leadership, an executive consulting firm. Skeen coaches successful leaders, addressing every imaginable leadership, business, and life issue with wisdom and professionalism.

GREG MILLER, PhD, is CEO of CrossCom, a technology services company. Miller has successfully led CrossCom to become a market leader through process efficiency, technology innovation, and rigorous execution.

AARON HILL, PhD, is the William S. Spears Chair in Business Administration at Oklahoma State University. He has authored a dozen articles appearing in the Financial Times Top 50 business journals.

About the Book:
The Circle Blueprint: Decoding the Conscious and Unconscious Factors that Determine Your Success (Wiley, October 2017, ISBN: 978-1-119-43485-6, $26.00, www.thecircleblueprint.com) is available at bookstores nationwide, from major online booksellers, and direct from the publisher by calling 800-225-5945. In Canada, call 800-567-4797. For more information, please visit the book’s page on www.wiley.com.

For more information, please visit www.thecircleblueprint.com.

Are you a narcissist? Authors Greg Miller, Aaron Hill, and Jack Skeen say you owe it to yourself to find out. Here they share 11 common problems narcissists experience thanks to their destructive behaviors, along with exercises to help the truly self-involved build healthier habits today.

          Hoboken, NJ (October 2017)—Narcissists are everywhere: in boardrooms across the country, in high school cafeterias, and, of course, online. From their diva-like behavior, never-ending monologues, and rants on social media, they are stirring up a narcissism epidemic. The worst part is, many narcissists spend years, lifetimes even, either unaware of their behavior or unwilling to change it. That’s why, according to Greg Miller—and there’s no easy way to say this—you might be a narcissist, too.

“If you’re preoccupied with being special and feeling superior to others, that’s narcissism,” says Miller, who along with Aaron Hill and Jack Skeen wrote The Circle Blueprint: Decoding the Conscious and Unconscious Factors that Determine Your Success (Wiley, October 2017, ISBN: 978-1-119-43485-6, $26.00, www.thecircleblueprint.com). “Narcissists exploit and manipulate those around them and have a high level of self-obsession, believing everyone wants to hear what they have to say.”

It’s not easy to live with, work with, or be friends with a narcissist, say the authors. But while you might assume it would be pleasant to have such a high opinion of oneself, it’s even harder to be a narcissist.

“Narcissists actually do a great deal of suffering, whether they realize it or not,” says Hill. “They can’t have meaningful relationships because they keep a cool distance and behave in ways that alienate others. They often have deeply wounded self-esteem, and they need constant validation to feel content.”

Even if you’re pretty sure you aren’t a full-blown narcissist, the authors urge you to check yourself, because you may well have some narcissistic habits that need curbing. Most people do!

No matter where you fall on the narcissism scale, from casual conversation interrupter to raging egomaniac, your life can improve by acknowledging your behavior and working to change it. In The Circle Blueprint, the authors discuss how narcissism is a major culprit in halting your personal development. The book is part of a larger self-improvement program called the Circle Blueprint System, which also includes workbooks and a confidential scientifically validated psychometric self-assessment. The self-assessment is free with the purchase of the book.

“You can find real happiness by repairing damaged relationships, accepting responsibility for your actions, and forging authentic bonds with the people in your life,” says Skeen. “Everyone can benefit from looking for traces of narcissism in their own behavior.”

Keep reading to learn about 11 classic narcissist problems you may be experiencing and some exercises to help you change your behavior and adopt healthier interpersonal habits:

PROBLEM: You believe you’re better, smarter, and more talented than those around you. This greatly impedes your ability to build healthy relationships at work and in your personal life. The sense of being very special, almost extraordinary, is common among narcissists. However, this is alienating to others and hurts your relationship with them.
EXERCISE: Make a list of people you feel you are better than. Now, make a list of people you view as better than you. If you find it much easier to list people toward whom you feel superior, you may begin to recognize how this belief has affected your life.

PROBLEM: You need constant attention from others. You may find yourself speaking louder than others, always talking about yourself, exaggerating your accomplishments, and boasting, all of which are ways to make certain you are noticed regardless of what is going on.
EXERCISE: Over the next few days, pay attention to how you interact with your peers and friends. Notice how much of the attention of others is focused on you and what you do to make that happen. Keep a list of some of the ways you seek and maintain attention.

PROBLEM: You hurt and disappoint others, and, over time, they lose trust in you. In order to have healthy relationships and be a productive leader or employee, people must be able to trust you. However, they can’t do this when you hurt them with your words or actions. This habit might not be an easy one to admit because it is likely not your intention to harm anyone; you dream big dreams and believe things will turn out just as you imagined. But, if you are honest, you will see that most of your dreams are about your success and not the success of others. Many times, people who trust you come to feel disappointed and burned. And over time, you damage relationships with people who cared for you and believed in you.
EXERCISE: Make a list of people who used to believe in you but now seem resentful. How can you repair these relationships? What can you do in the future to show others that you care about and value them?

PROBLEM: People avoid you, causing you to miss out on valuable partnerships. As people get to know you, they are more likely to indulge you and put up with you than to really enjoy your company. This might not be easy to see because people tend to be polite. But you might notice that people break away from conversation with you as soon as possible and rarely ask you to collaborate. If so, it’s likely that you are turning people off rather than building a group of people who support you. In an age where collaboration is crucial, this is a deadly weakness.
EXERCISE: For one week, observe whether or not friends, colleagues, and family members tend to avoid you. Note their behaviors and look for subtle signs that they are not as engaged with you as you would like them to be. Keep a record of your observations.

PROBLEM: You don’t learn from your mistakes. It is almost as if you are so committed to being special that you refuse to accept the feedback that you are not. You tend to repeat the same mistakes and minimize failure or explain it away as due to unusual circumstances. Further, you can’t accept dreams that are more normal-sized. Resistance to feedback cuts you off from the learning that you need in order to tame your narcissism and use your gifts in a more reasonable and profitable way.
EXERCISE: Make a list of feedback you have received numerous times but have not learned from. Ask yourself if you’re at risk of making the same mistake yet again. How can you break the cycle and start a healthier new pattern? What will you do differently this time?

PROBLEM: You can’t acknowledge or accept your weaknesses, and, therefore, you miss out on the benefits of being vulnerable. You like to demonstrate your strengths and hide your weaknesses. However, vulnerability draws people to you and makes you relatable. The truth is, being open and authentic about your narcissistic tendencies could actually help you. First, it shows others that you have awareness of your needs and so may be able to manage them. Second, it is a reminder for you to be aware of how your narcissism can get in your way.
EXERCISE: Practice vulnerability by admitting to others that you are a narcissist. Explain that this means that you believe you have special gifts, you have a need for feedback, and you are susceptible to being flattered. You will actually discover being vulnerable in this way becomes a source of strength and growth for you.

PROBLEM: You don’t pay attention to or listen to others, so you lose opportunities to connect and collaborate. Connecting with and acknowledging others isn’t just polite—it pays off. Listening to others can provide you with valuable insights, ideas, and contributions that could help you in business and life. And avoiding the input of those around you can open you up to making big mistakes. This may be the most difficult skill to master. To do this well, you will need to park your interest in yourself on the back burner and truly listen to the people who are close to you.
EXERCISE: Practice paying attention to the people in your life. Ask them questions about the things that matter to them: their dreams, concerns, and fears. Notice that you frequently want to interrupt them or follow something they said about themselves with a story about yourself. Hold back. Don’t talk about yourself. Listen and repeat back to them what you are learning about them. Try to avoid projecting your experiences on them and/or giving advice. By paying attention to others, you make room for people to draw closer to you and to support you better.

PROBLEM: You are unaware of your actual unique gifts. It is not enough that you feel that you are special and have unique gifts. You must learn precisely what those unique gifts are. Without that knowledge, you will be tempted to use every opportunity to show that you are gifted, even in areas where that might not be the case. As you come to understand your gifts, you can use them strategically. As you learn where you are special and where you are not, you can begin to focus your gifts in those places where you are most likely to be reliably successful.
EXERCISE: Write down exactly what you are most gifted to do. Now, list 10 things you shouldn’t attempt to do. Use this exercise to practice distinguishing between the two.

PROBLEM: You never affirm others for their gifts and talents. You tend to want affirmation much more than you are inclined to give it, but the people around you greatly value your feedback, and your affirmation helps them to understand the positive impact they are making on your life. If you don’t offer affirmation (or worse, constantly criticize), they feel taken for granted and perhaps even taken advantage of. And when this happens, they’re not motivated to help you or to do their best work. Nor do they like you.
EXERCISE: Practice speaking to people directly and openly, thanking them for what they are doing, pointing out the impact it is having and encouraging them to continue. Giving affirmation is far more important than receiving it, but it is also true that the more you give affirmation to others, the more likely it is that healthy affirmation will come to you.

PROBLEM: Your inflated self-confidence sets you up for failure. You enjoy believing that you can do whatever you put your mind to and that you have no limitations, and that belief supplies you with the courage to take on some big risks. But, occasionally, you overstep your capacity and put yourself in a position that leads to failure and disappointment. You don’t have the best judgment as to what is, and what is not, a reasonable risk. This lack of judgment can really cause you problems.
EXERCISE: Make a list of five decisions you have made that, in retrospect, you see were foolish. Do you recognize how this overestimation of yourself can get you into trouble?

PROBLEM: You feel good about yourself only when things are going well. When everything is great, you feel almost invincible, but when you lose the support of meaningful people, experience conflict, or encounter failure in some project, your self-confidence can plummet. When that happens, you can almost be immobilized by self-doubt and anxiety. This vacillation in your self-confidence can make it difficult to hold a steady course and be a great leader.
EXERCISE: List five times in your life when you have experienced a loss of self-confidence. What occurred that led to that loss?

“If it turns out that you display some narcissistic habits and behaviors, don’t lose hope,” concludes Miller. “These exercises are meant to be jumping off points that help you recognize how you got to this point. You have work to do, but with effort and determination, you can grow in leaps and bounds and repair damaged relationships. The key is being willing to change. If you can do that, a new life awaits you, in which you are known and even admired for being genuine, caring, and kind.”

# # #

About the Authors:
JACK SKEEN, PhD, is the founder of Skeen Leadership, an executive consulting firm. Skeen coaches successful leaders, addressing every imaginable leadership, business, and life issue with wisdom and professionalism.

GREG MILLER, PhD, is CEO of CrossCom, a technology services company. Miller has successfully led CrossCom to become a market leader through process efficiency, technology innovation, and rigorous execution.

AARON HILL, PhD, is the William S. Spears Chair in Business Administration at Oklahoma State University. He has authored a dozen articles appearing in the Financial Times Top 50 business journals.

About the Book:
The Circle Blueprint: Decoding the Conscious and Unconscious Factors that Determine Your Success (Wiley, October 2017, ISBN: 978-1-119-43485-6, $26.00, www.thecircleblueprint.com) is available at bookstores nationwide, from major online booksellers, and direct from the publisher by calling 800-225-5945. In Canada, call 800-567-4797. For more information, please visit the book’s page on www.wiley.com.

For more information, please visit www.thecircleblueprint.com.

An Excerpt from Big Love by Scott Stabile

Author and Facebook sensation Scott Stabile’s parents were murdered when he was fourteen. Nine years later, his brother died of a heroin overdose. Soon after that, Scott joined a cult that dominated his life for thirteen years. Through it all, he became evermore committed to living his life from love.

In each chapter of his new book Big Love: The Power of Living with a Wide-Open, Scott shares a personal experience that pulled him from his center and the ways in which he brought himself back to peace, and to love. While some of his experiences are extraordinary, like extricating himself from a cult after 13 years, most of the stories reflect on everyday challenges we can all relate to, like the weight of shame, the search for happiness, and the struggle to be authentic.

We hope you’ll enjoy this short excerpt from the book.

# # #

I woke up in a pissy mood recently, committed to gloom before I had even rolled out of bed. Still grumpy that afternoon, I went to the supermarket, only to be greeted by the sweetest checkout clerk ever. I couldn’t resist her happy eyes and huge smile. We had a quick conversation in Spanish, much of which I didn’t understand, and it didn’t even matter. Her sweetness and enthusiasm completely shifted me out of my pissy mood. I carried her joy with me the rest of the day. Everyone I encountered later that day benefited from her kindness.

It’s too easy to feel lost and powerless, like we can’t make any real difference in this messed-up world. I’ve often become paralyzed by the amount of violence and oppression that exists worldwide, paralyzed by my seeming inability to do anything about it. But we are not powerless to effect positive change. Indeed, we are powerful beyond measure, each one of us, in our ability to treat each other with kindness. If you want to change lives, then be kind and patient with strangers, be open and generous with your friends and family, and talk to your neighbors — and listen to them, too. Don’t underestimate the extraordinary effect you have every single time you show up to a situation with an open, loving heart. The checkout clerk shifted me out of my funk with her kindness. When my partner, G, got home that night, I greeted him with a smile instead of the scowl he might have gotten because of my foul mood. Our kindness transcends the moment of delivery. It affects more than we can ever know.

That’s how kindness rolls.

Kindness acts as a magnet, by the way, for more of the same in return. When I walk out into the world with an open heart and a smile on my face, I invite smiles and warmth. That doesn’t mean everyone showers me with their love, but more do than when I go out closed down and bitchy. If you don’t believe in the law of attraction, start paying attention to your attitude and to what you attract in different moments. I find there’s almost always a direct correlation. When I’m loving, I attract more love. That’s a good reason to be loving.

Love doesn’t just call on us to be kind in obvious situations, either. Sure, it’s wonderful to hold open the door for a person carrying groceries, but can you open your heart to your partner when he’s pissing you off? It takes no effort to share a loving comment when your friend posts a picture of her baby on Facebook, but can you resist attacking someone online who posts something you disagree with? Can you instead share your point of view without judgment and venom? I thought myself a kindness king until I had an issue with my cable service recently and had to talk to four different service reps to deal with it. I lost my shit on rep number 2, and things only went downhill from there. I became a self-righteous, angry, impatient asshole. One phone call sent me over the edge.

I want to become so rooted in my kindness that it’s not dependent on the words or actions of others. No matter how they choose to be, I can choose to be kind. That’s power. That’s love. That’s change making. I’m not there yet, but I’m working on it. Wanna join me?

Let’s start with ourselves.

When we think of kindness, it’s natural, and important, to consider how we can be kinder to others. But what about ourselves? Surely we’re entitled to our own kindness. We benefit most from the love we have to share. With that in mind, how do you treat yourself? Do you offer yourself the same smile you would a loved one? Are you lifting yourself up or tearing yourself down? We have to look at how we talk to ourselves and focus on a kinder inner dialogue. We don’t live in a world where everyone is sweet to one another. We’re likely to face a good share of assholes out there. At the very least, let’s not be assholes to ourselves.

# # #

Scott Stabile is the author of Big Love. His inspirational posts and videos have attracted a huge and devoted social media following, including nearly 360K Facebook fans and counting. A regular contributor to the Huffington Post, he lives in Michigan and conducts personal empowerment workshops around the world. Visit him online at www.scottstabile.com.

Excerpted from the book Big Love: The Power of Living with a Wide-Open Heart. Copyright ©2017 by Scott Stabile. Printed with permission from New World Library — www.newworldlibrary.com.