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06 May

Five Foods for Better Bone Health

By Kyle Zagrodzky

Osteoporosis isn’t preventable through diet alone, but a balanced diet rich in certain power nutrients can contribute to better bone health and help other activities such as exercise and osteogenic stimulation become even more effective at retaining and producing new bone.

Most people know that dairy products including milk, cheese, and yogurt contain calcium and vitamin D that build stronger bones, but they don’t know that secret super foods such as pistachios contribute to better bone health as well. Dairy is great for bones, but lots of other foods contain additional essential vitamins and nutrients that lead to stronger, healthier bones at every stage of life.

 

Start your day with an egg.

Eggs contain valuable bone-nourishing nutrients, making them a great choice for breakfast or an omelet dinner. In USDA tests, egg yolks contained 41 IU of vitamin D, which helps the body absorb calcium. The body produces vitamin D during sun exposure, but if you’re concerned about skin cancer, eggs are one of the few foods that contain ample amounts of the core nutrient. Eggs also contain vitamins B6 and B12, which reduce levels of amino acids that have been linked to increased risk of hip fractures later in life. The folate in eggs is another B vitamin that helps prevent bone loss.

 

Embrace olive oil.

A recent study from Spain suggested that a Mediterranean diet rich in olive oil might have a strong link to healthier bones. In the study, 127 men between ages 55 and 80 who ate a Mediterranean diet with lots of olive oil had higher levels of osteocalcin in their blood, a sign of healthy bones. Other similar studies have shown that bone disease occurs less frequently in the Mediterranean than in other parts of Europe. To work more olive oil into your diet, use it to cook with instead of vegetable oil, and add it to salad dressings for an extra flavor boost.

 

Savor some spinach.

Try substituting spinach for regular lettuce in your salads. Spinach contains tons of calcium; just one cup fulfills about 25 percent of an adult’s daily requirement. Spinach also contains natural fiber, iron, and vitamin A, a crucial nutrient for bone growth.

 

Dip into something good for you.

Slice up some fresh vegetables and go for a dip—guacamole and hummus are both great for bone health. Avocados are packed with vitamin K, which works closely with vitamin D to regulate osteoclast production. Osteoclasts remove old bone to make more room for healthy new bone deposits. Avocados contain boron, a mineral that helps bone metabolism and vitamin D efficiency, as well as copper, which produces collagen and elastin. The chickpeas in hummus contain iron, phosphate, calcium, magnesium, manganese, zinc, and vitamin K, all of which contribute to strong bones.

 

Go nuts.

Nuts such as walnuts and pistachios are incredibly beneficial to bone health. Just one fourth of a cup of walnuts has 2.25 grams of omega-3 fatty acids, 100 percent of the recommended daily value. Research has found that Omega-3 fatty acids increase calcium absorption, reduce calcium loss, and improve bone strength through better collagen creation, which simultaneously helps with muscle formation. Walnuts also deliver boron, copper, and manganese. Pistachios contain manganese, iron, copper, phosphorus, potassium, and magnesium, which all team up to create healthier bones.

 

Kyle Zagrodzky is president of OsteoStrong, the health and wellness system with that focuses on building stronger bones, muscles, and balance in less than 10 minutes a week using scientifically proven and patented osteogenic stimulation technology. OsteoStrong introduced a new era in modern wellness and anti-aging in 2011 and has helped thousands of clients between ages 8 and 98 improve strength, balance, endurance, and bone density. In 2014, the brand signed commitments with nine regional developers to launch 500 new locations across America. Today, OsteoStrong is becoming a brand with a global reach.

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05 May

3 Ways to Step Beyond Overthinking

By Cara Bradley

Have you ever tried to stop your mind from thinking? It’s not easy, right? In our society of more and better, our minds are constantly cluttered with mental noise. You don’t realize how much overthinking controls your day until you collapse in bed at night.

The truth is that thinking is what our minds are meant to do. It’s impossible to stop. In fact, Tibetan Buddhists consider thought to be our sixth sense. Just as our senses function automatically without having to turn them on or off, so does our mind. Our thoughts occur as naturally as the smell of coffee, the sight of birds flying, or the sensation of chills on our skin. Thoughts naturally arise and fade away in the same way the taste of a fresh piece of fruit arises and fades away.

The notion that our minds produce thoughts automatically was a breakthrough insight for me. For years, I battled to still my mind, to stop thinking. Once I embraced the perspective that my thoughts are another sense, my relationship with thinking changed. I identified less with my thoughts and expended less mental energy following my stories, fears, and worries. I began to disentangle the grasping and identification I had with my thoughts. I allowed the chatter in my mind to come and go without needing to follow every conversation. This shift was pure liberation.

Ultimately, thinking isn’t a bad thing. The trouble is that we’re often preoccupied and obsessed with it. We identify with our thoughts so strongly that we tend to believe that they perfectly reflect our reality. Too much planning, judging, analyzing, remembering, doubting, and worrying pull us away from the moment in which we are living. We become distracted, lost somewhere in the past or future, disconnected from our bodies and imprisoned by our thoughts. These thought loops are exhausting, not to mention that overthinking creates tension and robs us of peace.

If it’s impossible to stop thinking, then how do we step beyond our habitually busy minds? Here’s three ways to get started.

  1. Notice This Moment

Mindfulness is your capacity to show up in this moment from the level of mind, body, and heart. It is your ability to notice your experience — no matter if what’s happening is good or not. Driving is a great time to practice noticing physical sensations and the environment around you. Notice everything around you — the sky, the trees, the noise, and how your body feels as you sit behind the wheel. In so doing, you’ll become more adept at noticing how your thoughts come and go just as other sensations do. Instead of getting caught up in thinking, you’ll be more likely to allow thoughts to come and go.

 

  1. Ask Yourself: Am I Now Here or No Where?

In this exact moment you are likely somewhere between being fully aware and completely unaware. You might be focused on these words or sort of reading them while thinking about tomorrow. In this way, you live somewhere between “Now Here” and “No Where.” Frequently asking yourself the question Am I Now Here or No Where? can interrupt a cycle of overthinking. Ask yourself this question and you will become present immediately. It’s as easy as that.

You can also try this more formal practice:

  1. Close your eyes.
  2. Place your hand just beneath your navel so you can feel the gentle rise and fall of your belly as you breathe. Take a breath in, and in your mind say, “Now.” Breathe out slowly, saying, “Here.” Repeat.
  3. Continue to breathe in and out in this way, saying in your mind, “Now. Here.”
  4. When you notice you’ve become distracted by thoughts or sensations (and you will become distracted), say in your mind, “No Where.”
  5. Bring your attention back to your next breath.

 

  1. Bells, Bells, Be Here Now

Meditation teacher Thich Nhat Hanh suggests using everyday occurrences as practice reminders. He teaches that the sound of a bell can remind you to return to the present moment. Bells include the sounds from phones, appliances, computers, or alarms. The next time you hear a bell ring, say in your mind, “Be Here Now.”

These three simple practices will help you get better at noticing when you’re pulled away by thoughts. By tuning in and observing, you will wake up to what your mind is doing in short bursts. Practice this new awareness consistently and your habitual thoughts will no longer rule your world. Instead, they will simply rise and fade away.

When you step beyond overthinking by not getting carried away by your continuous stream of thinking, you will begin to feel consistently more clear and alert. Freed from identifying with every thought that arises, you experience a sense of vitality and joy. Overtime, you form a new relationship with thinking, your sixth sense. No longer dominant, thoughts are placed alongside your other senses allowing you to recognize the delightful dance of sensations always coming and going. You shift from getting stuck in your busy mind to stepping beyond overthinking and experiencing all of your senses, smelling a sweet scent or sensing something on your skin, more vividly. This is liberation.

# # #

Cara Bradley is the author of On the Verge. She is a passionate teacher of yoga, meditation, and fitness who has been in the trenches of personal transformation as a “mental strength coach” for over three decades at her Verge Yoga Center, retreats, corporate training sessions, and with teams such as Villanova University football and Penn State men’s basketball. She lives in Wayne, Pennsylvania. Visit her online at www.carabradley.net.

Based on the book On the Verge. Copyright © 2016 by Cara Bradley. Reprinted with permission from New World Library. www.newworldlibrary.com

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20 Apr

Breakdown to Breakthrough: The Eight Questions You Need to Ask When Facing a Relationship Challenge

By Linda and Charlie Bloom, authors of Happily Ever After…and 39 Other Myths about Love

 

When did the honeymoon end in your relationship? Was it the first time you realized that your mate wasn’t all you had hoped for? Or maybe it was when you discovered that sometimes their cheerful optimism could turn to resentment or depression for no apparent reason. Do you remember your first fight? How about the first time that you wondered whether you had made a mistake in your selection of a partner?

Many of us have had the experience of anger, frustration, hostility, or resentment more times than we care to admit. If you’re like a lot of people, you may have taken these feelings as an indication that something is seriously out of line in your relationship, so much so, perhaps that you may even be considering calling it quits. And if you’re human, you’ve probably attempted to influence your partner’s feelings, attitudes, or behaviors, only to discover that you’d now created a new problem.

Most of us spend between twelve and twenty years of our lives in school yet nowhere are we really taught the specific requirements of sustaining and enhancing the quality of our relationships. We hope and pray that despite our ignorance, we can make it work anyway. And when the inevitable conflicts arrive, we may find ourselves entrenched or embattled with each other.

Though conflict may not be avoidable in marriage, it is not necessarily a foreshadowing of doom. Differences in opinions, feelings, temperaments, and even values, are an inherent aspect of relationships. In fact, we generally select partners who will help us to expand our inner and outer lives by offering a broader range of perspectives to our own. Opening up to these opportunities for growth, however can be excruciatingly uncomfortable. Often it is easier to tell ourselves that “it’s just not meant to be.” And yet how many of us are acquainted with couples who called it quits in frustration, only to turn around and play out the same pattern with another person?

What if one of the objects of relationships is not to eliminate conflict, but to work with it in an effective, responsible and conscious way? What if each breakdown that occurred between you and your partner contained the seeds of the possibility of becoming a more loving and wise person? What if your experience of your relationship had more to do with you than it did with your partner? What if there were no mistakes or wrong choices in the selection of a mate, and you really do have the perfect partner for the lessons that you’re in this relationship to learn?

The purpose of these questions is to generate an inquiry and to begin the process of going beyond the models, expectations, and beliefs we each have about relationships in order to discover and create new possibilities. One of the biggest barriers in the development of a great partnership is our own set of preconceived beliefs about conflict and anger.

Observing the suffering of other couples who are struggling in their relationships, it’s easy to presume that things inevitably break down sooner or later and that for many of them, the breakdown is permanent. It’s easy to wonder, “Who’s next? Is it us?” The tendency to feel resignation and hopelessness in the face of fear is a choice, often made out of a desire to avoid looking more directly at some of the more difficult questions, such as:

  • How might I have contributed to the current situation?
  • What beliefs about myself or others might I be validating by holding on to my position?
  • What is it that I’m so attached to being right about and why?
  • What, if anything, might I have done that I need to reveal to my partner?
  • What fears are underlying my fear of losing (or staying in) this relationship?
  • What unfulfilled needs or desires have I failed to disclose to my partner, and why?
  • What forms of manipulation have I used to try to coerce my partner into accommodating my desires?
  • Am I making my partner responsible for fulfilling needs within myself that are my responsibility, and not theirs?

The common thread that runs through all of these questions is that they are all self-referential. They require us to redirect the focus of our attention away from our partner and look instead at ourselves, to look at our part in the chain of events that has led us to the point where we currently stand. Doing so does not absolve them of their responsibility in the breakdown, but it empowers us to focus our energies on the only person that we have the power to control in this scenario, and that is ourselves.

Taking our attention off of our partner will enable us to embody a higher level of vulnerability and encourage him or her to feel less defensive and consequently, more inclined to listen to our concerns and needs with a more conciliatory attitude. Such openness will promote a greater likelihood that our partner will reciprocate by responding more cooperative themselves, thus interrupting the cycle of defensiveness that turns ordinary differences into destructive conflict.

There is no guarantee that their response will be reciprocal. Our vulnerability is merely an invitation to them to respond with vulnerability. It is not assurance that such a response will be forthcoming, but it does increase the likelihood of them doing so. There is no better way to find out how willing your partner is to disarm himself than by modeling what this can look like by disarming yourself of your own defenses.

When we can interrupt these patterns, we can move beyond the concerns of day-to-day survival, and raise new questions having to do with greater possibilities such as “How great could our relationship really be?” Once we understand that there is so much more that is possible than we previously realized, old dreams are reawakened and new ones come into being along with a newfound confidence in our ability to implement them.

Paradoxically, it is only when we accept that there is no magic involved in the process of relationship-building, and no perfect person with whom we can effortlessly co-create the partnership of our dreams that we begin to experience the degree of ease and joy for which we may have previously hoped.

But first we need to free ourselves of our limiting beliefs and expectations. To find the partner of your dreams you first become the partner of your dreams. In so doing you will become more irresistible to that person that you have been waiting for, whether you haven’t met the person yet, or you’ve been married to them for thirty years!

Based on the book Happily Ever After…and 39 Other Myths about Love. Copyright © by Linda and Charlie Bloom. Reprinted with permission from New World Library. www.NewWorldLibrary.com

Linda Bloom, LCSW, and Charlie Bloom, MSW, regularly teach at Esalen Institute and the Kripalu Center and have served as adjunct faculty at institutes of higher learning including UC Berkeley Extension, and California Institute for Integral Studies. They live in Santa Cruz, CA. Their website is www.Bloomwork.com.

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06 Apr

Get It All Done By Telling Your Time What to Do

By Helene Segura, author of The Inefficiency Assassin

Have you ever had “one of those days” during which nothing goes to plan? You’d put some thought into what you wanted to get done and had your mile-long to-do list. You had the best of intentions, and that’s worth something, too, right? But since things didn’t quite go your way, that knocked you off track – and you never exactly got back on.

One of the questions I’m frequently asked by clients and audience members is: How can you manage your schedule and get it all done when unexpected incidents arise?

The answer: morph your time.

What?!?

That’s right. Morph. Your. Time. This is not to be confused with dancing the Time Warp from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Morphing your time means that you schedule your day in blocks or chunks of time, and you can move around those time blocks when necessary. Morphing time means that you take back control of your day and tell your time what to do. Let’s look at how to do that.

 

Know what your top three priorities are for the day, so you know what to focus on should anything crazy happen.

Our brains tend to get discombobulated when something unanticipated lands in our laps. Even when it’s something wonderful, we usually can’t think clearly right away. When something scary or infuriating happens, that twists up our brain cells even more, taking our focus off what we’d originally planned to do.

When you know what your top three objectives are for the day, and you have them written down or captured digitally, this will help you bring your brain back into focus. With this regained clarity, you’ll be able to make decisions about how to adjust your time blocks.

 

Allow gaps in your schedule so that you have time for “fires” or opportunities.

Some of my clients who already understood time blocks were experiencing frustration because of how they blocked their time. They were attempting to calculate exactly how much time they’d need to get to and from Point A and Point B, as well as precisely how long the task at that location would take. They had no time for any variation.

Refrain from scheduling your day so tightly that you don’t have a break in there somewhere. Estimate how long you think you’ll need to finish a task and add 30% extra when you create that time block. Allow some time in between your meetings and events. If possible, allow a gap of an hour or two at some point in your day so that you can address emergencies or opportunities that arise. If nothing unforeseen crops up, you can instead use this block of time for catching up on something else or getting ahead. By padding your schedule with extra time, you leave room for addressing the unexpected.

 

If possible, schedule your “fire” for a time that suits you.

Obviously, if you’re having a heart attack or stroke, you’d need to call 911 immediately! Those are true emergencies. In most cases, however, what has suddenly landed in front of us is certainly surprising, and it may need to be addressed sooner rather than later, but it’s not necessarily a true emergency.

For example, when I found a mysterious lump on my leg, it puzzled and scared me, but it was not something worthy of calling 911. So, I went to urgent care the following day during what I’d previously scheduled as one hour for project work time. I chose this specific facility because they have an online appointment system, so I could register, and then drive over (that beats losing time in a waiting room!), plus they were only 10 minutes away from my next appointment. It was more convenient for me to go at this time, than to have dropped everything when I initially found the lump.

When something unexpected lands in your lap, pause for a few moments to assess whether or not it’s a true emergency and when a better time to address it would be.

Readjust your time blocks for appointments and task time as necessary, and base it on your top priorities.

I wound up moving my previously-scheduled-project-time-block-turned-urgent-care-appointment to a different day. That project was not one of my top three priorities for the day, so it was no problem to slide it around. The time blocks for the lower priority tasks I’d originally planned to complete were shifted to two days later. After my tour of urgent care, I dove into the higher priorities – not in a panic, but definitely with even more focus than usual. Everything that truly needed to get done that day got done. Morph time.

When you schedule your day using padded time blocks, and when you understand what your top three priorities are for the day, this allows you to stay focused when something hits you from out of the blue. With this focus, you can morph time. When you realize that you have the power to tell your time what to do, this also lessens the stress levels you feel when oddities crop up because you know that “you’ve got this!” You can get it all done.

 

Based on the book The Inefficiency Assassin. Copyright © 2016 by Helene Segura. Reprinted with permission from New World Library. www.NewWorldLibrary.com

*             *             *             *             *

Helene Segura MA Ed, CPO®, teaches individual clients and keynote and training audiences how to tell their time what to do. She’s been a featured expert in more than 100 media appearances, including Inc. Magazine and Fox, ABC, CBS and NBC affiliates. In her spare time, she does offbeat things like hike the Camino de Santiago and somehow make a leg lump disappear with compression socks, gin and tonic, and a magnet. Details about her new book The Inefficiency Assassin: Time Management Tactics for Working Smarter, Not Longer can be found at www.HeleneSegura.com.

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06 Apr

Scrub Away the Emotional Clutter of Toxic Anger

By Donald Altman, M.A., LPC

Has toxic anger ever caused a problem for you or your family? No one is immune to this response — which is very much based on the survival response. Don’t be too hard on yourself because it can occur anytime we perceive a threat, especially one to the ego, to our sense of identity, and to our belief system. If you’ve experienced this personally or with others in your intimate circle—either on the giving or receiving end—you are not alone.

While anger might offer a sense of control, come with a feeling of self-righteousness, and get an individual what she or he wants in the short-term, there are severe long-term consequences, such as producing trauma and alienating and pushing away those you love. Fortunately, there are some important ways to reduce the effects of toxic anger clutter in your life.

First, let’s look more closely at anger. Anger can take a lot of forms and not all anger is damaging and inappropriate. Anger can be small and insignificant, like an irritation or annoyance that doesn’t do much damage and is quickly forgotten (someone cuts you off on the freeway or you feel temporary impatience standing in a long line). Anger can be medium-sized like being mad or upset (a co-worker repeats an earlier offense that makes you realize it’s an issue), signaling you that it may be time to have a conversation. Or, it can be giant-sized—such as when you’re absolutely at the brink and find yourself wanting to shout, curse, or throw something across the room.

Feelings of irritation and anger are normal—and these are not an issue when expressed with a sense of respect, compassion and understanding. The real problem comes when you experience daily, chronic anger and even episodic fits of rage (once or more a month). When this happens, you have reached the level of “toxic anger” that is going to severely harm relationships.

What can you do about toxic anger? The first thing you can do is to learn more about your anger by asking yourself the following questions:

  • HOW INTENSE is my anger? You can rate it on a scale of 1 (the least) to a 10 (the worst).

If your anger is in the 1-3 range of intensity, it falls into the irritation and annoyance range; the 4-6 range means you are upset, angry and mad; finally, if your anger rates in the 7-10 range, you are experiencing rage.

  • WHO is my anger directed at?
  • WHAT is the issue that triggered my anger?
  • HOW APPROPRIATE is the level of my anger to the issue that produced it?
  • WHERE AND WHEN did this knot of anger first originate and get tied?

 

6 Steps to Constructively Managing Anger

No matter what level your anger, here are six steps for taking control your difficult feelings in a constructive way.

  • Rate your anger. When you notice your anger, rate it in the moment on a scale of 1-10.

1-3=irritation/annoyance

4-6=upset and angry

7-10=uncontrollable rage

Why is rating your anger important? By ranking your anger you have constructively distanced from it. Instead of being angry you are now examining the anger because it has become the object of your attention. You’ve actually shifted and changed your relationship to the anger in a matter of moments!

2) Relax and calm your body through breathing. To do this, clasp your hands behind your back or behind your head and take a nice deep breath and hold it for a few seconds before exhaling. This diaphragmatic breathing method turns on your body’s natural relaxation system and also helps you reconnect with the thinking and rationally responding part of the brain. (Yes, when you are angry you are actually disconnected from your rational thinking brain.)

3) Relax your posture, body tension, and facial expression. To do this tightly clench your hands for five seconds, and then relax them. Next relax your face and jaw. Roll your shoulders in a circular motion to release tension. Similarly, lower your head and roll it from side to side to relax your neck muscles. Another idea is to smile, even if you don’t feel like it. These strategies for eliminating the clutter of anger work because what’s happening in the body affects both our thoughts and emotional state.

4) Find another way to respond to the situation other than with anger. Come up with at least three possibilities—such as taking a walk, listening to music, or sitting in your car where no-one can hear you while yelling.

5) Ventilate and express your feelings early – don’t hold them in. By letting the steam out a little at a time, it won’t build up and explode like a volcano! Give yourself permission to express feelings in a more assertive and non-aggressive way.

6) Reward yourself! Yes, you have found a new and successful way to interrupt the toxic anger clutter cycle, so do something nice for yourself. Enjoy a soothing bubble bath, listen to some favorite music, or take part in a favorite activity. Congratulations, you’ve earned it.

# # #

Donald Altman, is the author of Clearing Emotional Clutter, One-Minute Mindfulness, and several other books about mindfulness. He is a practicing psychotherapist and former Buddhist monk. An award-winning writer and an expert on mindful eating, he teaches in the neurobiology program at Portland State University. Visit him online at http://www.mindfulpractices.com.

Based on the book Clearing Emotional Clutter ©2016 by Donald Altman. Printed with permission of New World Library. www.newworldlibrary.com

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25 Mar

Q and A with Brad Warner

Article based on the book Don’t Be a Jerk ©2016 by Brad Warner.  Published with permission of New World Library. http://www.newworldlibrary.com

Article based on the book Don’t Be a Jerk ©2016 by Brad Warner. Published with permission of New World Library. http://www.newworldlibrary.com

Author of Don’t Be a Jerk

What is The Shōbōgenzō: The True Treasury of the Dharma Eye and why did you decide to paraphrase it for a modern audience? 

Shōbōgenzō is a very long, very old book by a Japanese philosopher/monk named Dōgen. It was written 800 years ago and then largely forgotten. Its existence was known, but very few people read it. It was rediscovered by Japanese philosophy professors in the late 19th Century and has since become widely regarded as one of the world’s great philosophical classics. And still hardly anyone ever reads it!

I think it’s an important book. But unfortunately translating Dōgen is extremely difficult. In the words of Kōsen Nishiyama and John Stevens who produced the first complete English edition of Shōbōgenzō, “a literal translation is almost totally incomprehensible and even a semi-literal one produces a mutant brand of English that alternately confounds and amuses the reader.” Books that try to explain Dōgen’s work are all too often written in the kind of deliberately difficult academic language that makes it very hard for anyone without advanced degrees to understand. Dōgen was not writing for audiences full of stuffy intellectuals. He wrote for ordinary people of his time. What I’m trying to do with Don’t Be a Jerk is to make Dōgen’s work accessible again, but for a very different kind of audience, one Dōgen himself couldn’t possibly have imagined would be interested in him.

I don’t feel like I’m the world’s greatest Dōgen scholar. But I have studied him for a very long time and I feel like I’ve learned a lot. I’m trying to express what I’ve learned from Dōgen in a way that’s easy to understand without sacrificing the depth of the original material.

I also think it’s very timely. I don’t think audiences 800 years ago could have understood Dōgen as well as contemporary audiences. What he said was very far ahead of its time. It still is!

 

The Shōbōgenzō was written by a Japanese Monk named Eihei Dōgen. What’s his story in a nutshell? 

Dōgen was born in the year 1200 as the illegitimate son of a Japanese aristocrat and his mistress. By the time he was just eight years old, both of his parents had died. This tragedy led him to enter monastic Buddhist practice when he was 12. He wasn’t satisfied with the Buddhism that was available in Japan at the time. So he traveled to China, which was then the most advanced nation in the world. There he found what he felt was a purer form of Buddhism, closer to the original practice begun in India around 500 BCE. He brought this style of Buddhism back to Japan in 1227 when he was 27 years old and established a temple. He died in 1254, at age 54, but he left behind a rich legacy of written work.

While it’s sad that he died so young, it also makes his work very interesting. Most of the written material we have about Buddhism was created by people who were much older when they started writing than Dōgen was when he died. So Dōgen’s work gives us a rare insight into the mind of a very serious practitioner who was also quite young when he wrote. His writing is much more energetic and stimulating than most other Buddhist writings because of this. He comes across in his writings like a very wise man, but also like a bit of a hot head. He’s very passionate about what he’s writing in a way that an older person wouldn’t be. He’s absolutely forthright in his opinions and extremely challenging to the status quo. He does not suffer fools kindly. He’s very in your face. Dōgen is like a punk rock Buddhist.

 

How did you come up with the title Don’t Be a Jerk

One of Dōgen’s essays in Shōbōgenzō is called Shoaku Makusa. This means “Avoid Doing Wrong.” This simple instruction, he says, is the very heart of all Buddhist teaching. In this book, I have tried to paraphrase Dōgen in the way people talk now. So I retitled that essay “Don’t Be a Jerk” because I think that’s a valid way of saying the same thing. I thought this idea was so crucial I decided it ought to be the title of the book.

 

What is Zazen and why is it important?  How does it different from other forms of meditation? 

Zazen is Japanese name for the essential practice of Buddhism. It goes by other names in other cultures. Zazen is often referred to as a kind of meditation. But it’s different from other forms of meditation in that it has no goal. For example, Mindfulness Meditation is trendy these days. The goal of that style of meditation is to become more mindful. In Zazen, mindfulness is considered to be a useful side-effect but it isn’t the goal. If you don’t become more mindful through doing Zazen, that doesn’t mean you are doing it wrong.

This idea of goal-less-ness is probably the hardest aspect of Zazen to really understand. We are used to every activity we do having some kind of goal. But that may be the very root of why we are so frustrated in life, because our goals are always in the future. Even when we achieve a certain goal, the first thing we do is look around for the next goal. There’s a lot of stress if you live that way, and most of us do. So learning to be without any goals at all can be incredibly freeing.

 

The chapter titles in Don’t Be a Jerk are fascinating. What does Note to Self: There is No Self mean? 

It’s a paradox. One of the most difficult aspects of Buddhist philosophy is the idea that there is no self, that selfhood is an illusion. Every other philosophy and religion I know of takes the existence of a self as granted and builds from there. In Christianity, for example, you have the idea of the soul, which is the immutable self that can even survive the death of the body. Hindus have a similar idea when they talk about the atman.

Buddhism says that there is no self. This seems absurd to us. Descartes said, “I think therefore I am.” We know we have a self because we experience it all the time. You must have self! Who else could be reading this Q and A?

 

Dōgen doesn’t say that what we call “self” does not exist but that calling it “self” is the wrong way to understand it. This is a subtle distinction, but it’s important. It’s why Dōgen, a great believer in the idea of no-self, often writes in terms of self. He’s trying to get us to look more clearly at that which we call “self” in order to get a better idea what it actually is and what it is not.

 

What about You’re Already Enlightened, but You’re Not?

Another paradox! One of the most frustrating aspects of Dōgen is his use of contradictions. Early translators didn’t know how to deal with this. Some of them seemed to think Dōgen’s contradictions were mistakes and they went so far as to rewrite him so that he wasn’t contradicting himself.

 

But Dōgen’s contradictory writings are quite deliberate. He recognizes that in real life things are often one way and exactly the opposite way at the same time.

This is clear when we talk about the Buddhist concept of Enlightenment. Dōgen’s early teachers in Japan taught him that Enlightenment was a kind of almost magical thing that happens to Buddhist monks as the result of years of meditation. In China, Dōgen met a teacher who told him that Enlightenment is inherent in existence itself. And yet, his teacher said, we cannot actualize Enlightenment without practice. So you, dear reader, are both enlightened and unenlightened at the same time. And that time is right now.

 

The Shōbōgenzō was banned in Japan in the 1700s. Why?

After Dōgen died, his successors continued to teach and practice in the temple he established. Soon some of them established other temples. After a few hundred years the style of Buddhism Dōgen brought back from China, which was called Soto, became the most popular form of Buddhism in Japan. An organization called Soto-shu was established. It grew into a very large powerful religious institution much like the Holy Roman Catholic Church.

In the 1700s the Soto-shu came to believe they needed to have a monopoly on Dōgen’s teachings. So they petitioned the Japanese government to ban the printing and distribution of Shobogenzo. That way they were the only ones who had copies and therefore be the only ones who could tell people what the book said. They were a lot like the Catholic Church in that regard as well. Thankfully that restriction ended and now anyone can read Shobogenzo.

 

One of your chapters is called “Was Dōgen the First Buddhist Femininst?”  So was he and why? 

I think he was.

Dōgen was a firm believer in sexual equality. One of his essays makes that abundantly clear. In fact I had to cut that particular essay down considerably because he repeats the idea over and over until a modern reader ends up saying, “Enough already! I get it!” But given that he was writing in the 1200s in Japan, he probably had to bludgeon his audiences with the idea since it would have seemed absurd to them.

His society was steeped in the idea that women were inferior beings to men. There were supposedly sacred places that Buddhist nuns were forbidden to go because they were women but that any man, even if he was not a monk, was allowed to visit. That idea really pissed Dōgen off and he says so in no uncertain terms.

There was also an idea that a good Buddhist monk should never so much as look at a woman lest he be tempted to do something immoral. Dōgen says, “If whatever might become the object of lust should be hated, then all men should be hated too.”

 

What do you most hope people will take away from Don’t Be a Jerk?

I never know how to answer that question. People always ask authors what they want readers to take away from their books. But I don’t have any agenda like that. I write because I enjoy writing. I mostly hope others will enjoy reading what I enjoyed writing.

I’ve been studying Dōgen and doing the practices he recommends for around thirty years now, which is most of my life. I find his philosophical insights to be unique and extremely practical.

This book is about what Dōgen has meant to me. Maybe after reading Don’t Be a Jerk, readers can look at some of the more standard translations of Dōgen and not be so intimidated by how ancient and foreign it is. Maybe they’ll be able to apply Dōgen’s timeless insights to their own lives here and now.

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25 Mar

Don’t Be a Jerk

Article based on the book Don’t Be a Jerk ©2016 by Brad Warner.  Published with permission of New World Library. http://www.newworldlibrary.com

Article based on the book Don’t Be a Jerk ©2016 by Brad Warner. Published with permission of New World Library. http://www.newworldlibrary.com

An Excerpt from Brad Warner

It used to be that nobody outside the worlds of stuffy academics and nerdy Zen studies knew who Do-gen was. And while this thirteenth-century Japanese Zen master and writer is still not one of the best-known philosophers on the planet, he’s well-known enough to have a character on the popular American TV series Lost named after him and to get referenced regularly in books and discussions of the world’s most important philosophical thinkers.

Unfortunately, in spite of all this, Do-gen still tends to be presented either as an inscrutable Oriental speaking in riddles and rhymes or as an insufferable intellectual making clever allusions to books you’re too dumb to have heard of. Nobody wants to read a guy like that.

You could argue that Do-gen really is these things. Sometimes. But he’s a lot more than that. When you work with him for a while, you start to see that he’s actually a pretty straightforward, no-nonsense guy. It’s hard to see that, though, because his world and ours are so very different.

A few months ago, my friend Whitney and I were at Atomic City Comics in Philadelphia. There I found The War That Time Forgot, a collection of DC comics from the fifties about American soldiers who battle living dinosaurs on a tropical island during World War II, and Whitney found a book called God Is Disappointed in You, by Mark Russell. The latter was far more influential in the formation of this book.

The publishers of that book, Top Shelf Publications, describe God Is Disappointed in You as being “for people who would like to read the Bible…if it would just cut to the chase.” In this book, Russell has summarized the entire Christian Bible in his own words, skipping over repetitive passages and generally making each book far more concise and straightforward than any existing translation. He livens up his prose with a funny, irreverent attitude that is nonetheless respectful to its source material. If you want to know what’s in the Bible but can’t deal with actually reading the whole darned thing, it’s a very good way to begin.

After she’d been reading God Is Disappointed in You for a while, Whitney showed it to me and suggested I try to do the same thing with Shōbōgenzō: The Treasury of the True Dharma Eye. This eight-hundred-year-old classic, written by the Japanese monk Eihei Do-gen, expounds on and explains the philosophical basis for one of the largest and most influential sects of Zen Buddhism. It’s one of the great classics of philosophical literature, revered by people all over the world. However, like many revered philosophical classics, it’s rarely read, even by those who claim to love it.

I immediately thought it was a cool idea to try to do this with Shōbōgenzō, but I didn’t know if it would work. I’ve studied Shōbōgenzō for around thirty years, much of that time under the tutelage of Gudo Wafu Nishijima. Nishijima Roshi was my ordaining teacher, and he, along with his student Chodo Mike Cross, produced a highly respected English translation that was for many years the only full English translation available. I had already written one book about Shōbōgenzō, called Sit Down and Shut Up (New World Library, 2007), and had referenced Shōbōgenzō extensively in all five of my other books about Zen practice.

My attitude toward Shōbōgenzō is somewhat like Mark Russell’s attitude toward the Bible. I deeply respect the book and its author, Do-gen. But I don’t look at it the way a religious person regards a holy book. Zen Buddhism is not a religion, however much it sometimes looks like one. There are no holy books in Zen, especially the kind of Zen that Do-gen taught. In Do-gen’s view everything is sacred, and to single out one specific thing, like a book or a city or a person, as being more sacred than anything else is a huge mistake. So the idea of rewriting Do-gen’s masterwork didn’t feel at all blasphemous or heretical to me.

But Shōbōgenzō presents a whole set of challenges Russell didn’t face with the Bible. The biggest one is that the Bible is mainly a collection of narrative stories. What Russell did, for the most part, was to summarize those stories while skipping over much of the philosophizing that occurs within them. Shōbōgenzō, on the other hand, has just a few narrative storytelling sections, and these are usually very short. It’s mostly philosophy. This meant that I’d have to deal extensively with the kind of material Russell generally skipped over.

Still, it was such an interesting idea that I figured I’d give it a try. My idea was to present the reader with everything important in Shōbōgenzō. I didn’t summarize every single line. But I have tried to give a sense of every paragraph of the book without leaving anything significant out. While I’d caution you not to quote this book and attribute it to Do-gen, I have tried to produce a book wherein you could conceivably do so without too much fear of being told by someone, “That’s not really what Do-gen said!” Obviously, if a line mentions Twinkies or zombies or beer, you’ll know I’ve done a bit of liberal paraphrasing. I have noted these instances, though, so that shouldn’t be too much of a problem.

# # #

rsz_rsz_bradwarnerBrad Warner is the author of Don’t Be a Jerk and numerous other titles including Sit Down & Shut Up, Hardcore Zen, and Zen Wrapped in Karma Dipped in Chocolate. A Soto Zen priest, he is a punk bassist, filmmaker, Japanese-monster-movie marketer, and popular blogger based in Los Angeles. Visit him online at www.hardcorezen.info.

Excerpted from Don’t Be a Jerk ©2016 by Brad Warner.  Published with permission of New World Library. http://www.newworldlibrary.com

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25 Mar

FIVE THINGS I LEARNED FROM DOGEN

Article based on the book Don’t Be a Jerk ©2016 by Brad Warner.  Published with permission of New World Library. http://www.newworldlibrary.com

Article based on the book Don’t Be a Jerk ©2016 by Brad Warner. Published with permission of New World Library. http://www.newworldlibrary.com

By Brad Warner, author of Don’t Be a Jerk

I discovered the 13th Century Japanese Zen Master Eihei Do-gen when I was an 18 year-old punk rock bass player. Now I’m a waaaayyy-more-than 18 year-old punk rock bass player and I’m still trying to understand his philosophy and practice.

Do-gen is unusual in the realm of Zen Buddhist thinkers in that he wrote his own stuff and he was pretty young when he did so. Mostly when you read ancient Zen philosophy, you’re not only reading the words of a very old person, but you’re reading those words as interpreted by their students since few of the old Zen Masters (male and female, see below) were writers.

Do-gen was a writer and what’s more, he started writing very early in his career. Most of his writing was done when he was in his 30s and 40s. He became a monk when he was just 12. So while he’s very wise, he’s also young and fired up and often kind of ornery. Just the kind of thing a punk rock kid like me needed.

But Do-gen wrote 800 years ago in a time and a place very unlike ours. So he’s not that easy to understand. Still, if you work with him, and if you do the meditation practice he keeps recommending, it gets a little easier.

 

Here are a few things I learned from Mr. Do-gen.

  1. Sit Down and Shut Up — Do-gen taught a style of meditation called Shikantaza, which means, “just sitting.” It’s meditation without any goal. You’re not trying to become more balanced or more in touch with yourself or more mindful. You’re just sitting with yourself exactly as you are. On one hand it’s dirt simple. You can learn all there is to know about the technique in a couple of minutes. But you can spend a lifetime on it and never exhaust what you can learn from it.
  1. Don’t Be a Jerk —There’s a misconception that Zen is all about self-improvement and has nothing to do with ethics. But Do-gen says that the very essence of the practice can be summed up as “Don’t be a jerk.” Actually, that’s my paraphrase. In the original it’s more like, “Just avoid doing wrong.” Ethics isn’t about memorizing a set of supposedly universal moral standards because every situation is a little different. No set of rules can ever cover every situation. It’s about sitting down and shutting up and allowing what the Old Testament called the “still small voice” we all possess show you what the right action is in this specific situation.
  1. Keep Your Bum Clean — When people translate Do-gen, they generally choose the juicy philosophical parts. But Do-gen also wrote some very nuts-and-bolts pieces about how to practice in a Zen monastery. My favorite of these pieces is the one in which he gives extremely detailed instructions about how monks should clean themselves after using the toilet. It’s really TMI! But Do-gen’s teaching isn’t just about high-minded philosophical ideals. It’s about every little thing you do. It’s what my teacher called a “philosophy of action.” It’s not a philosophy you read and memorize. It’s a philosophy you do.
  1. Women and Men Are Both Just as Stupid — In the year 1240 CE, Do-gen wrote a sermon called Prostrating to That Which Has Attained the Marrow. You wouldn’t guess from the title, but the sermon is mostly about how men and women should be regarded as absolutely equal when it comes to their capacity to understand the deepest truths of life. In Japan in the 13th Century that was revolutionary.

Remember that women couldn’t even vote in the USA until 1920. In Japan in Do-gen’s day the spiritual inequality of women was taken for granted. There were temples that all women, including Buddhist nuns, were forbidden to enter that any man could walk into any time he pleased. Do-gen denounced that practice in no uncertain terms and went on to say that anyone who held the view that men are superior to women is an idiot. I already believed that before I read Do-gen, but it was amazing and inspiring to read words like that from a man who lived when he did.

  1. You Are Not Your Self and Neither Am I — The Buddhist idea that the self is an illusion is one of the trickiest aspects of the philosophy. You can tell me the Loch Ness Monster and the Easter Bunny aren’t real, but if you say that my self is unreal that just sounds crazy. I know I have a self because here I am!

But Do-gen isn’t saying that all those things you include within the concept of “self” are unreal. You have a personality and an individual history, you have your credit cards and I can’t use them, that’s all true. It’s just that when we combine this stuff into something called “self” — and then believe that this “self” we have created is a real thing — that’s when we get into trouble.

We waste our time, energy and effort building up something that doesn’t even exist. Then we defend this imaginary concept against imaginary attacks. We hold this “self” — that doesn’t even exist except in our minds — to be the single most important thing in all the world. And because of that, we suffer.

It takes more to get past this than simply acknowledging that we understand the self to be unreal. But that’s a very good first step. I know it’s made my life a whole lot better.

# # #

rsz_rsz_bradwarnerBrad Warner is the author of Don’t Be a Jerk and numerous other titles including Sit Down & Shut Up, Hardcore Zen, and Zen Wrapped in Karma Dipped in Chocolate. A Soto Zen priest, he is a punk bassist, filmmaker, Japanese-monster-movie marketer, and popular blogger based in Los Angeles. Visit him online at www.hardcorezen.info.

Based on the book Don’t Be a Jerk ©2016 by Brad Warner.  Published with permission of New World Library. http://www.newworldlibrary.com

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25 Mar

Seeking Jordan

Q & A with author Matthew McKay

What were some of the ways you sought to make contact with your son?

In the beginning I looked for signs he might be present, anything unusual in our environment. Family and friends kept track of dreams or messages from Jordan. We went to a medium, we went to a psychologist who specializes in Induced After Death Communication, and I learned how to do Channeled Writing. In the end, I found that channeled writing was the most effective way to make contact with Jordan—literally any time I wanted.

 

What is Induced After Death Communication – how does it work, and what happened when you tried it?

This is based on research by psychologist Alan Botkin. He discovered that by making a small change in a well known protocol for treating trauma, that his patients spontaneously received direct messages from the dead. He worked primarily with vets who experienced traumatic losses in war. After the first “accidental” IADC (Induced After-Death Communication) Botkin did the revised procedure with 83 vets who were being treated for trauma. None were told what to expect, but 81 (97%) heard the voice of someone they loved who had died.

I saw Botkin in Chicago, did the trauma process, and heard Jordan say these words to me: “Dad . . . Dad . . . Tell Mom I’m here . . . I’m all right. I’m here with you . . . Tell her I’m OK.”

 

What is Channeled Writing, and how did it help you to communicate to your son, Jordan?

Channeled Writing, also called automatic writing, has been used for hundreds of years as a means to communicate with the spirit world. Spiritual seekers and famous poets have used it, including W. B. Yeats. The Channeled Writing process I learned includes using meditation to get into a receptive state, writing out a question, and listening for the answer (often heard as a whispered voice inside one’s head or simply a thought). You just write the answer down, and move on to the next question. All of Jordan’s words in the book came from Channeled Writing.

 

How did you come to write a book with your son – after his death?

Ralph Metzner, a psychologist who taught me to use Channeled Writing, suggested that I could use Channeled Writing to do a book with Jordan. I asked Jordan if he was

interested in a book project, even though I had no idea what it would involve. He was not only willing, he outlined the first 10 chapters of the book and established the entire scope of the project—within 5 minutes.

 

What did you learn about the spirit world – life after death – from Jordan?

Souls reincarnate for hundreds of lives. Between lives they are home—in the spirit world. Immediately after death, souls are met by guides and loved ones in an environment created to look familiar and reassuring. Following a brief transitional period, souls begin a life review where they examine every significant moment of the just completed life. Life review helps us learn how each decision we make affects everyone around us. After live review, souls join their soul family—a group of souls who both learn and reincarnate together. Guides (teachers) oversee the learning process—both on earth and in the life-between-lives. Each soul’s lesson plan for what they will learn on earth is called karma.

 

Why are we here – did Jordan say anything about that?

We are here for one purpose only—to learn.. We are not here to be redeemed or to earn a place in heaven by doing good works. The reason we reincarnate, living hundreds of lives, is to learn the lessons that each life teaches. In the same way bees bring honey back to the hive, we return to the spirit world after each life, carrying all the wisdom and new lessons we have learned.

 

What did you learn about God from Jordan?

Jordan says that all of consciousness—collectively—is God. As consciousness grows and evolves, God develops and evolves. As each soul learns, because we are all a part of God, God learns. And not a “person,” a specific entity. We don’t see God in the spirit world. God is us.

 

Can anyone contact the dead, or do you need special powers?

You need no special powers to talk to the dead. I have no special powers.   I’m not a medium. I am not clairvoyant or clairaudient. Channeled Writing is something anyone can learn. It requires doing a brief meditation to open the channel and help you become more receptive. Have an object with you that connects you to the spirit on the other side. After the meditation, write out questions. Start with questions that will have simple yes or no answers. The answer will come as a thought—write it down. As the process becomes more comfortable and familiar, write out questions that require a more complex answer (thought).   Find words for whatever answer (thought) shows up in your mind.

Why is there so much pain in life – according to Jordan?

Jordan indicates that all the pain in the world is necessary for our mission of learning. We come to this planet to learn how to love with, and in spite of pain. These are lessons that CANNOT happen in the spirit world where there is no pain and we love without effort or cost.

We come to a physical planet to face resistance and obstacles. As Jordan says, “You can’t learn to throw a curve ball in heaven. First of all, you need a physical ball. Then you need gravity and wind resistance. There are no great pitchers in the spirit world.”

Every lesson we learn here is taught by pain and resistance.

 

You’ve used hypnosis to lead people on past life and between life journeys—and you’ve been on them yourself. How do you do it? What did you learn?

I learned an hypnotic induction, from the work of psychologist Michael Newton, that allows people to return to past lives, and the life-between-lives (the spirit world). It takes about four hours, but offers profound truths about our individual life purpose—what we came here to learn and what we came here to do.

Later, in order to take these journeys myself, I consulted psychologist Ralph Metzner, who helped me visit past lives I had shared with Jordan. I also witnessed experiences I’ve had in the life-between-lives, including life review, meeting the “council of elders” and reuniting with my soul family.

 

Did Jordan make contact with others after he died? How did he do it?

Jordan made contact with many family and friends after his death. These contacts included vivid dreams with specific messages, visions, the overwhelming feeling of his presence with telepathy, and my own experiences with channeled writing, induced after death communication, and mediums.

 

What are you and Jordan doing and talking about now?

Right now Jordan and I are collaborating on a new process for creating spiritual growth. It’s something that can be learned in an 8-week group workshop. He has laid out all the steps of the protocol, and I’ll soon be testing to see how it works (I’m still a researcher, after all). This may also turn into another book we’ll work on together.

Seeking Jordan by Matthew McKay

October 1, 2015 • Metaphysics • Hardcover/eBook • 232 pages

Price: $22.95 • ISBN 978-1-60868-367-3

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25 Mar

Beginning the Conversation

An Excerpt from Seeking Jordan by Matthew McKay, PhD

Time moves us downstream from each loss. The living relationship is further away, left on the bank where we last embraced, where the last words were spoken. Across that distance stretches silence, the helplessness of what can’t be fixed or undone.

The last time I saw Jordan was at lunch at Saul’s, a deli he was fond of. I can’t remember what we spoke of. He was doing well — a job he liked, a lovely young woman he’d recently moved in with. I do remember the corner where I hugged him goodbye, feeling his thick, wiry hair against my cheek, his strong arms around me. I said, “I love you,” as I had thousands of times, and then I began half-running to my car, late for something.

I had no inkling this was the moment we were leaving each other, and that every moment since would bear me further from his arms, his eyes, his sweetness. It was so ordinary, so embedded in our daily lives, that it held no portents of loss. And when I look back, I feel as if we are still there, still hugging on that corner. I can feel him holding me, and sometimes I can believe the embrace still exists — that I can have it, reenter it anytime I want.

But time moves us downriver. I craved more than memory, more than the few words I’d heard in Chicago. I wanted a two-way conversation, like we’d had at the deli. I wanted to ask questions and hear answers. I wanted to know my boy again.

In hopes of having that conversation, I consulted Ralph Metzner, a psychologist who has learned the art of channeled writing — an ancient technique for reaching across the divide of death and communicating to souls in the spirit world. Ralph himself lost a son, and he spent years searching for ways to reach him.

There was another connection: Jordan and Ralph’s stepson, Eli, had been best friends. I knew instinctively that anyone I connected to through Jordan could be trusted. And Ralph had known Jordan well.

***

His office is set up in the former dining room of an old Victorian. High mahogany wainscoting reaches to a shelf near the ceiling; there is a crystal chandelier. Ralph, a thin man with wispy white hair and eyes that have a wounded look, explains the process so I can learn the steps and do it at home. Channeled writing works best when it is done in the same place with a set ritual. It helps to have an object that connects you to the dead, and it is also beneficial to first engage in a practice that helps you enter a receptive state. Breathing meditations work well, as do candles for focusing attention.

“How will I know I’m not making it up?” I ask him.

“You can’t escape uncertainty,” Ralph replies. “There will always be doubt. Just listen to Jordan; see what he says. Your feelings about it will guide you.”

***

I have a desk that my parents gave me when I was eleven. Whenever I sit at it, I feel how objects connect us to people who are gone, and sometimes to an earlier version of ourselves. I sat here as a child, doing homework, distracting myself with small toys, and looking into the enticing darkness of my backyard.

Now I sit here alone, assembling objects: A cobalt blue glass mask, with a lit candle behind it, that my daughter, Bekah, brought from Mexico. And a blue business card Jordan created while he was in high school. It reads, Jordan McKay, CEO, Omega Technologies. There was no Omega Technologies, but it got him into countless trade shows for Apple and other technology giants.

I begin with my breath, counting the exhalations till I reach ten, then starting over. I focus on my diaphragm, the genesis and center of the breath. Some spiritual traditions recognize this spot as the locus of “wise mind,” where we can access the deepest truth of our lives. When thoughts arise, I notice and label them — “There’s a thought” — and return attention to my breath. After a while my mind settles, and a calm begins that touches every part of my body.

I suddenly wonder if this is some kind of hokum I’ve fallen prey to. Then I worry that I haven’t done it right, that I haven’t prepared sufficiently to hear Jordan’s words. “There’s a thought…and another thought.”

I stare at the flickering candle behind the mask. I imagine that it is Jordan’s presence, like the sanctuary light in the Catholic churches of my childhood. And now my mind begins to quiet again. I open my notebook and write the most urgent question: Are you happy?

The answer is instantaneous; it arrives before I’ve finished the question. It comes in the form of a whispered thought, with the timbre and pitch of Jordan’s voice. I write:

More than you can know.

Then I write more questions and record the answers.

Do you miss me? I have you with me.

What are you doing? Studying. Learning things. Getting ready for what I have to do next time.

Next time? I’ll be back soon. I want to help the planet. Last time I wasn’t going to have time to do anything, so I practiced focusing my will, finding beauty.

How can I connect to you? Watch for me when I come to you. Watch the signs. Feel me inside. Trust that feeling when you sense I’m with you. The circle stays strong with love. Just remember your love for me. Open the channel so you can hear — just like you’re doing now. This is the circle, letting me through. I love you, Dad. That’s how it is. I’m right with you. I’m here with you and Mom. Just feel it. It’s real. My arms are around you. Always.

What is the circle? The practice of love keeps the circle. It’s like a discipline. Practicing love isn’t collecting sad memories. It’s feeling the whole person, without thought, without judgment. It’s holding all of them at once.

The circle is all of us, living and dead. All connected, all talking to each other. It’s no different now than when we talked at Saul’s. Our relationship is the same, Dad.

I’m exhausted; I blow out the candle. I want to believe everything I’ve heard, but I hate self-deception. It’s a response I inherited from my father, a man who despised the ways people lie to themselves to justify their needs and actions. But suddenly it’s clear: I will have to live with that remembered contempt in order to keep listening. If I want to open the channel so my boy can talk to me, then I’ll also have to live with doubt, perhaps even ridicule.

# # #

Matthew McKay, PhD, is the author of Seeking Jordan and numerous other books. He is a clinical psychologist, professor at the Wright Institute in Berkeley, CA, and founder and publisher at New Harbinger Publications. Visit him online at http://www.SeekingJordan.com.

Excerpted from Seeking Jordan: How I Learned the Truth about Death and the Invisible Universe. Copyright ©2016 by Matthew McKay, PhD. Reprinted with permission from New World Library. www.newworldlibrary.com

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