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29 May

The Danger of Facebook Lurking

We all
appreciate social media for giving us the ability to connect with friends and
family. However there is a dark side to sites like Facebook when it comes to
personal relationships.

 

You have
probably looked up an ex- boyfriend or girlfriend online- everyone does it at
one time or another. It’s natural to be curious about how life turned out for
someone you once loved. It only becomes a problem when you feel the need to
obsessively check up on an ex because of unresolved issues from the
relationship. If you didn’t get the closure needed to close the chapter and
move on, you may find yourself checking their status updates daily and combing
through their posted photos for signs that you still matter.

 

It’s
important to get to the point where you realize you still matter regardless of
what choices your former partner makes. Often people have trouble healing from
break-ups because their lover met a need for so long and it is now not being
met. Ironically, the need usually has nothing to do with the person you were
involved with.

 

Right
now you may be saying,

“But we were so perfect together! I am sad because I
miss him!”

Think about it for a second. Do you miss HIM or do you miss the way
you felt when you were with him? Chances are what you really miss are the
feelings associated with the relationship. Perhaps you felt safe and secure
with your ex.  You may have felt
beautiful when around him or appreciated when around her. Those are addictive
feelings. Who doesn’t want to feel special?

 

However,
you need to figure out that you can feel all of those amazing feelings again-
even without that specific person. Other people don’t control your feelings.
They are in your own control, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.  You will move into other relationships that
allow you to re-discover those feelings. But wouldn’t it be even better to find
a way to create those feelings without having to depend on another person?

 

Consider
what it is you felt when you were in the relationship that is now missing?

  • Did you
    miss feeling needed by another person? Many times people are attracted to
    partners who allow them to feel important. You may be a fixer- someone who
    likes solving other people’s problems. Try to find a way to fulfill that need
    in another way, like by volunteering.
  • Did the
    other person help you feel financially secure? Then now is the time to figure
    out how to achieve security on your own. You may decide to go back to school or
    go into another field.
  • Did you
    feel confident about your appearance because you knew someone else found you
    attractive? Then it’s time to fall in love with YOU! Start by appreciating all
    that makes you beautiful. Begin incorporating affirmations into your day.

The next
time you feel the desire to look up an ex on Facebook, stop for a minute. What
matters more- what that person is doing or what you are doing to create the
life you want right now?

 

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07 May

THEN I’ll Be Happy…

 

You have probably hear people say “When I get this (house, car, job, etc.) THEN I’ll
be happy.” I was guilty of saying the same thing for a long time.

When I was in college I started keeping a planner. I wrote
down every single thing I needed to do that day and then crossed things off as
I completed them. The next day I moved the to-dos over to the next page and
started all over again.

I figured when I got everything on the list done then I
could relax and have fun. It took me about a week before I realized there is no
way to get everything done on your list. My dad passed away a long time ago but
at that time I called him in exasperation and I could tell he got a kick out of
it.

“There will always be a list,” he explained. “Your list is a
process- just like living your life is a process.” He explained that I
shouldn’t wait for everything in the list to be completed before doing the
things that brought me pleasure. It was a balancing act. You have to live in
the present.

Wise words and a great lesson- if you are ready.

Unfortunately I wasn’t. And the universe keeps repeating the
lesson until you get it.  This particular
lesson took different forms over the next 20 years. I thought I had finally put
the lesson to rest long ago- there will always be a list ‚¬Â¦balancing act ‚¬Â¦live in
the present ‚¬Â¦find pleasure. But apparently the universe wasn’t fooled.

A few years ago I divorced the father of my three children,
a man I had been with since my early 20s. Two years later I went through an
extremely painful break-up with the man I thought I was supposed to spend the
rest of my life with. At 42 I was suddenly without any romantic relationship
for the first time since I was 19. And I had never felt more unattractive and
unworthy.

I had a hysterectomy just before the break up and had put on
weight from the instant menopause and hormone fluctuations. Not to mention the
fact that I was drowning my sorrows in peanut butter cups. I had always felt
pretty before but now that there was no one in my life reinforcing it I had
serious doubts. I also kept hearing all of the angry words that had come out of
my exes’ mouths at the end of those relationships about how horrible I was.  

The thought of dating made me want to crawl in a hole.

At the same time I was responsible for myself financially
for the first time ever with no one to fall back on and raising three children.
After dreaming about writing since I was a child I finally started my writing
business. Suffice it to say there wasn’t a lot of time for dating. And I didn’t
think I deserved it anyway.

Dating was an “extra” and I had this whole to-do list to
check off. I had to be the perfect Mommy and build a successful business. Those
two areas created a to-do list like I had never seen before. Add on losing
weight and I was frozen.

It was a pretty miserable time. My business kept me so busy when
the kids were in school and when they came home there was no down time. But the
weekends when they were with their dad were lonely as hell. I spent time with
my “divorced” girlfriends but I still missed being in a relationship. I missed
knowing someone had my back.

That got me thinking about my dad and our to-do list
discussion. I was essentially waiting to check off all of the other things on
my list because THEN I would be happy. Or at least happy enough to meet
someone. But why couldn’t I be happy RIGHT NOW??

Instead of trying to control everything I decided to give it
to the universe. I knew it was time to start trusting that I would be put in
the right experiences at the right time. That it’s OK to date even if I don’t
have everything on my list completed. And even if I don’t feel like I look
perfect.

I am still pretty busy. And my self-confidence isn’t back to
where it was pre-breakups. But the more I do it the better I feel about myself.
The more I do for myself- exercising, “trying” to eat healthy- the better I
feel when I am with my kids or rushing to meet a deadline.  

Little by little the confidence is returning.

There is always a to-do list. But you have to live. And it’s
OK to be happy right now.

Thanks Dad.

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