29 May

The Danger of Facebook Lurking

Jennifer Koebele

Jennifer Koebele

Jennifer Koebele, MS Ed. is a freelance writer and educator with a focus on personal development. She is completing life coach certification to assist clients exploring relationship issues through the writing process. Jennifer lives in Charlotte, NC.
Jennifer Koebele

We all
appreciate social media for giving us the ability to connect with friends and
family. However there is a dark side to sites like Facebook when it comes to
personal relationships.


You have
probably looked up an ex- boyfriend or girlfriend online- everyone does it at
one time or another. It’s natural to be curious about how life turned out for
someone you once loved. It only becomes a problem when you feel the need to
obsessively check up on an ex because of unresolved issues from the
relationship. If you didn’t get the closure needed to close the chapter and
move on, you may find yourself checking their status updates daily and combing
through their posted photos for signs that you still matter.


important to get to the point where you realize you still matter regardless of
what choices your former partner makes. Often people have trouble healing from
break-ups because their lover met a need for so long and it is now not being
met. Ironically, the need usually has nothing to do with the person you were
involved with.


now you may be saying,

“But we were so perfect together! I am sad because I
miss him!”

Think about it for a second. Do you miss HIM or do you miss the way
you felt when you were with him? Chances are what you really miss are the
feelings associated with the relationship. Perhaps you felt safe and secure
with your ex.  You may have felt
beautiful when around him or appreciated when around her. Those are addictive
feelings. Who doesn’t want to feel special?


you need to figure out that you can feel all of those amazing feelings again-
even without that specific person. Other people don’t control your feelings.
They are in your own control, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.  You will move into other relationships that
allow you to re-discover those feelings. But wouldn’t it be even better to find
a way to create those feelings without having to depend on another person?


what it is you felt when you were in the relationship that is now missing?

  • Did you
    miss feeling needed by another person? Many times people are attracted to
    partners who allow them to feel important. You may be a fixer- someone who
    likes solving other people’s problems. Try to find a way to fulfill that need
    in another way, like by volunteering.
  • Did the
    other person help you feel financially secure? Then now is the time to figure
    out how to achieve security on your own. You may decide to go back to school or
    go into another field.
  • Did you
    feel confident about your appearance because you knew someone else found you
    attractive? Then it’s time to fall in love with YOU! Start by appreciating all
    that makes you beautiful. Begin incorporating affirmations into your day.

The next
time you feel the desire to look up an ex on Facebook, stop for a minute. What
matters more- what that person is doing or what you are doing to create the
life you want right now?


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