This week is National Suicide Prevention Week.  It is heartbreaking to think that suicide is that pervasive of a problem in our society to warrant such a week.  And yet it is.  Suicide takes the lives of nearly 30,000 Americans every year.  There are twice as many deaths from suicide as there are from HIV/AIDS. It is the third leading cause of death for 15-24 year old Americans. And there are more than 800,000 attempted suicides every year.

Those are the statistics.

And then there are the stories.

Perhaps the worst thing about suicide is the pain that it causes to those left behind.  These people are known as the survivors. And telling our stories can help us to heal from the trauma of this experience.

When Gia Allemand, the reality television star, took her own life last month, the topic of suicide became a part of a national discussion.  Gia’s distraught mother spoke with Dr. Phil about her feelings, which echo that of many survivors.

Sometimes there are warning signs.  And then sometimes the incident seems to come from out of nowhere.  That’s how it was when I found out that my friend Ophir had died.  I remember getting a phone call from our mutual friend Curt.  He was in a state of disbelief  as he had just gotten the news.  It took a few phone calls to figure out exactly what had happened.  Ophir had committed suicide. 

I knew Ophir as an extremely talented and creative composer.  We worked together on several music projects.  We had a close friendship, and a great respect for each other.  Ophir helped me bring my songs to life.  When Ophir had a hernia operation, I had him stay at my home while he recovered.

I was aware that Ophir used drugs.  I spoke with him about it many times, offering him alternatives, and suggestions for a more healthy way of life.  But he did not want to hear it.  He did not want to talk about it.  He always functioned perfectly well when we were working, and he assured me that he did not have a problem.  When I heard that Ophir had died, I assumed it was an accidental overdose.  But there was no accident about Ophir’s death.  He planned it.  He put a rifle in his mouth and shot himself.

Like most people do in this situation, I started asking myself all kinds of questions.  What could I have done to prevent this?  Why didn’t I see this was coming?  What was so terrible that he had to do this?  I felt awful, not only for myself, but for his family, everyone who loved him.  Suicide is such a violent act.  It is terribly hurtful to everyone left behind with so many unanswerable questions.  I don’t know what brought Ophir to his decision.  I do know and recognize that although our relationship has changed, he is still very much a part of my life.  I have the songs we wrote together on my websites.  He taught me so much about music and the creative process.  When certain songs come on the radio I am reminded of him, and his amazing energy, sweet smile, and sly sense of humor.  His words still influence me.  His music still moves me.

I know that the agreement that Ophir and I had was complete even before his death.  There was no unfinished business between us.  We learned from each other, both creatively and personally.  At his funeral I met many others who felt the same way.

This was the second time that I had been affected by suicide.  When I was around eleven years old, shortly after my parents’ divorce, my mother’s brother took his own life.  He was a Vietnam veteran, and he became hooked on drugs while he was in the war.  When he got home, he couldn’t handle normal life after seeing everything he saw in combat.  His drug problem got worse, he would have hallucinations, and he overdosed to escape the pain.

Chaim Nissel, PsyD is the Director of Yeshiva University’s Counseling Center in New York City, and an expert with the American Association of Suicidology.    He has this to say about coping with the loss of a loved one from suicide:

“The death of a loved one by suicide has all the trappings of conventional grief plus a host of other intense, difficult and confusing emotions.  These include feelings of guilt and responsibility, anger and blame and often a disconnect with the individual who killed himself.  When we lose a loved one to cancer or AIDS, we accept the reality, feel the loss, grieve, yet we don’t blame ourselves.  Following a suicide, it is hard to accept the reality that the individual chose death.  We feel responsible and wonder “if I had only�..” he’d be alive today.  We would rather blame ourselves because it is difficult to place the responsibility where it belongs, on the individual who killed himself.

One who experiences the death of a loved one to suicide is fittingly called a “survivor.”  They must now learn to cope and survive their loss.  Most survivors experience anger, guilt and emotional turmoil.  There is often anger at the deceased for taking their own life, it is seen as selfish, because their pain ends, but the survivor’s pain begins.  Guilt over what they could have and should have done to prevent it (although if the loved one wanted to die, they would have despite your interventions).  We like to think that we can control events, but when another person is in such emotional pain that they want to die, the choice to kill themselves remains their choice, despite everything that you can and did offer them.

There is still tremendous stigma and shame associated with suicide and when the fact that one died by suicide is hidden or denied, it becomes so much more difficult to come to terms with it.  When we try to “cover” or pretend the death was accidental, it takes its toll on the survivors and will impact them the rest of their lives.”

To help us find closure, Dr. Nissel has this advice:

-Talk about it!  Find supportive people in your life that you can share your feelings with.

-Focus on the person’s life, and the good memories you have of the person.  Know that you will never truly know why he killed himself.

-Recognize that the person’s pain is over, now it’s time to start healing your own pain.

-Have answers prepared for when people ask questions.  This will help reduce your anxiety and emotional reactions.  You can say “He took his own life” or “died by suicide” or even “he suffered a long illness.”  It someone is persistent, blaming or insensitive, you can say “it is too difficult to talk about right now” and end the conversation.

-Know that you are not responsible for your loved one’s death, in any way  Only the individual who killed himself is responsible.

-Know that the likelihood is that the person was in such pain, for so long and now the suffering is over.  90% of those that die by suicide suffered from some form of mental illness, most commonly an affective disorder such as depression or bipolar disorder.

-Seek resources such as professional counseling, support groups, and books.

-Being exposed to a suicide makes you somewhat more susceptible to suicidal thinking.  If you are having thoughts of killing yourself, get help immediately by contacting a local psychologist or psychiatrist.  If you feel you may act on these suicidal impulses, call 911 or go to your local emergency room.

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (afsp.org) helps survivors of suicide.  Actress Michelle Ray Smith, who played “Ava” on the daytime drama “Guiding Light,” talked about her father’s suicide in an interview with Soap Opera Digest magazine a few years back.  She said that participating in AFSP’s “Out of the Darkness” event, an overnight 20 mile walk, helped her connect with people who had been through the same thing.  “For the first time since he died – it’s been three years in September – I feel at peace.” 

Talking with people, sharing our stories, is one way that we can help each other to heal.

 Learn more about how you can get closure from any change in relationship in your life: ClosureBook.com

Summer is that time of year when our focus turns to leisurely activities and relaxation. Yet as temperatures rise, and it stays lighter later, we might have trouble getting that sweet sleep that we need to function optimally throughout the day.  As the Spokesperson for the Better Sleep Council, I’ve got some tips to help you sleep soundly this summer.

–       Sleep Sanctuary.  Keep the bedroom a place for sleep and sex only.  This is not a place for any kind of technology, cell phones included!  You want to be sure to keep the room cool, dark, and quiet.  In the summer, this means using natural, breathable fabrics, like cotton, for your sheets and pajamas. Sleepwear should be comfortable and loose.  If your room doesn’t stay dark enough, use a sleep mask.  And if your window is open to let in cool night air, and the outside noises are disrupting your sleep, use soft foam earplugs.

–       Get plenty of exercise during the day, but make sure to give yourself enough time between exercise and sleep to let your body relax. About 3 hours between exercise and sleep is the minimum.

–       Enjoy the summer parties with friends, but also be mindful of how

night-time activities impact your sleep.  Alcohol late at night can affect your sleep cycle.  So, avoid alcohol 3 hours prior to bedtime.

–       Stay hydrated!  We sweat more in the summer heat, so we need more water to compensate for that.  Dehydration can cause headaches and body aches that can make getting to sleep difficult.

–       Keep cool in bed by sticking your feet out!  When your feet get hot then the whole body feels it and it’s harder to sleep.  You can also cool your feet and neck with a damp cloth just before bedtime.

–       Keep a sleep schedule.  Even though you have time off work for vacation, try to get to bed and wake up at the same time each day.  Keeping a consistent schedule helps your body to adjust and fall asleep more easily.

We’re on a campaign to Spread the Snooze!  Show that you’re serious about Summer Slumber by taking the Sleep Pledge.  And invite your friends to do the same. 

“I pledge to make sleep my priority this summer.”

Let us know what you are doing to make sure you get the sleep you need this season – we’d love to hear from you!

One of the most interesting relationships we encounter in this lifetime is the relationship between siblings.  As we are living longer than ever before, chances are that this relationship is the one that lasts the longest in our lives.  Studies show that sister are more likely to keep in contact than brothers, and brother-sister combos fall somewhere in the middle.  What keeps us bonded with our siblings into adulthood? A number of factors are involved.  One theory says that it’s the way the parent guides the kids to be kind and helpful towards one another when they are young.  Another theory is that siblings feel comfortable in attached relationships.  They are familiar with one another, and feel badly when separated.  How closely the siblings live to one another also comes into play.  Those who live closer have more contact. 

Sibling relationships change over time.  Typically there is more closeness and more involvement when we are younger, and that gradually decreases in early adulthood. But then we find that closeness again as we get settled and start to get older.  Sibling rivalry decreases and feelings of closeness increase with age.  One study found that older people with living siblings, especially sisters, have a higher morale, and are more emotionally secure. Siblings rely on each other more and more for support as they age.

I remember having a wonderful conversation with Deepak Chopra’s mother when we were both at the Chopra Center in 1998.  I have two boys myself, so we have this in common, and we spoke heart to heart as mothers.  I asked her what her secret was, how she raised two amazing, successful, big-hearted sons.  She said to me, “It was all God.”  I admired her humbleness, and knew she really had everything to do with it.  Children follow the example of their parents, and this kind, beautiful woman certainly was a demonstration of love and family and created a loving, supportive home for her two boys so that they could go out into the world and share the lessons they learned from her.

Deepak Chopra has written a new book with his brother Sanjiv titled: Brotherhood: Dharma, Destiny, and the American Dream. The inspiring story of two brothers who immigrated to America from India and took very different paths to becoming world-renowned healers and teachers. 

At a time when America is fiercely divided on the issue of immigration, Brotherhood tells the story of two brothers who pursued the American dream to its fullest expression. In the early 1970s, Deepak and Sanjiv Chopra joined a flood of immigrants looking to make a new life in America, a land of opportunity. Having grown up in postwar India amidst the sudden freedom of the 1947 liberation, their childhood was a blend of the exotic, the mythical, and the modern. Their father was one of the first Indians to become a Western-trained cardiologist, while their extended family maintained deep roots in ancient spiritual traditions.

Brotherhood follows the Chopra brothers as one becomes a world-renowned spiritual teacher and the other rises to the top of Western medicine to become a professor at Harvard Medical School. Their story will fascinate and inspire anyone who still believes in America’s capacity to foster achievement and reward hard work.

Happy Earth Day!

I am lucky to live next door to Thousand Oaks, California – where the city is named for the abundance of beautiful oak trees found throughout the area.  In tribute to Earth Day, and our beautiful trees, I’m publishing an article written by my dear friend and teacher, Rev. Glenn Hughes.  Thank you, Glenn!

A Thousand Buddhas Among Us

by Glenn Hughes

There’s a well-known Zen Buddhist koan that asks the question, Does an oak tree have buddhanature?  Zen, a popular school or method of practicing the Mahayana tradition of Buddhism, is big on koans, especially in Japan and ever growing in the West since popularized by such Beat Generation writers as Alan Watts, Jack Kerouac, and Allen Ginsberg.  

The contemplation of these seemingly meaningless mental puzzles can give the student or practitioner of Buddhism insight into the nature of reality.  In reflecting on the oak tree koan, one attempts to find out whether or not the oak tree has the potential of becoming a buddha, one who has reached total enlightenment.

The word buddha usually is not capitalized unless it is in reference to The Buddha, the Indian prince who searched for, discovered and taught the nature of all life, its meaning and how to escape its frustrations and suffering.  Although known for his dharma (logic) and sutras (teachings), koans are not associated with Siddhartha or Shakyamuni, two names identifying him, the first before becoming the Buddha and the last afterwards.

When meditating on whether or not an oak tree has buddhanature, one is drawn to considering the true character of a tree, or of any reflection of life, whether it be attached to the ground, moving about on land, flying in the air or residing in water.  Buddhism explains the compounded nature of all things and requires the thinker to decide whether or not the entity has five khandas (aggregates of parts). The five are form (physical body), feelings, perceptions, thinking process, and consciousness.  Then one questions the permanence and discovers the ever-changing characteristics of these khandas.  Satisfactorily concluding this analyzing can lead to discovering one’s buddhanature and eventually to full enlightenment, the penultimate to buddhahood. 

Those of us calling Thousand Oaks home perhaps have an atypical interest in a koan about the tree from which our city derived its name.  Personally, I’ve loved oak trees ever since I was a kid living among lots of them in the little Northern California town of Diamond Springs.  In fact, in addition to a pig ranch, my family operated an outdoor nightspot with a dance floor built around a huge oak tree; it was called The Musical Oak.  

To venerate the buddhanature of not only our beloved oaks, but also our own potential buddhahood, this poem is about them and those of us who love them.

The Oaks Among Us

There stand my friends, a thousand noble essences of life,

Their many outstretched branches, like those of multi-armed Kwan Yins

Reaching out to me and all who come within their auras,

And freely offering their love, their friendship and compassion

To all varieties of life in all their individual splendor.

Here I too stand, encouraged by their unencumbered love, 

My arms stretched out in prayer, like the upper branches of my friends,

In worship of this precious gift of life, ours to enjoy,

And freely offering my thanks and love with ceaseless passion

To all varieties of life in all their individual splendor.

Here we do stand, not them and me, but us in our connectedness,

Our buddhanature beaming, like that of lovers sharing tender moments,

Piercing the spheres with gentleness and joy,

And freely offering our essence and our mutual admiration

To all varieties of life in all their individual splendor.

Although we speak in many different ways,

Each one as one as well as individually,

Our voices merge in a celestial symphony,

Mine and those of my beloved cherished friends,

These thousand oaks.

I’m so happy and excited to welcome our new CoffeyTalk contributor Yogi Akal!  He will be posting blogs in the category of Health and Happiness and you can visit his page to read his bio and blog posts here: https://www.coffeytalk.com/yogi-akal/

Yogi Akal asked for my birthdate so that he could give me a reading, and of course I couldn’t pass that up!  Here’s what he had to say… I think this describes me rather well! 

 LET’S LOOK AT THE SIX QUESTIONS OF LIFE:

WHAT DO I HAVE TO LEARN?  Neutrality.

Four is your biggest challenge and achievement. This is the power of your word, your ability to work hard, your organizational skill. These are themes that will surface and re-surface, as you are developing mastery in life.

WHO AM I?  An Inspiration.

SEVEN is your real strength. You are an analytical and patient personality, shining through a soul than uplifts everyone, including your Self. You keep growing, whether you are alone or busy in a relationship.

WHY AM I HERE?  To create and disseminate knowledge.

SEVEN is also your reason for being alive at this time in this place in this form. You have chosen to make others successful and will always benefit from that effort.

HOW DO I CHANGE MY LIFE?  Finish what you start.

TEN is your lever for success. This is your courage, radiance and dynamism. Although the seven makes you thoughtful, the ten makes you impactful. You can never hide, because you are always standing out.

WHAT MUST I DO?  Heal.

EIGHT is your minimum performance. This is the number of executive power and spiritual energy. When you combine these two forces, you are very effective. Be open to criticism and praise, as both will always follow you around. It is  NEVER personal, no matter how biting or complimentary. When you are grateful, your ability to transform anything increases.

WHERE AM I GOING?  To Partnership

In 2013 there are important partnerships unfolding. These may be related to work, service or home. But in each case, they will require your best attention. When you know your heart and you see the heart of your colleague, you know exactly what to say and do.

I am beyond upset right now.  I am appalled, sickened, and totally thrown by what I just witnessed on television.  If I had seen this sooner, I would have written sooner.  I had E! Entertainment on in the background while I was busy working on my newsletters.  The show “Kourney and Kim Take Miami” was on – I was hardly paying attention, until I saw Scott Disick, Kourtney’s baby daddy, shoot and kill an alligator. 

Yes, he did.  We saw the shot.  We saw the blood.  We saw the lifeless body.  It was horrible.  It was REAL.  This is not fiction, this is not a scripted drama – this happened ON CAMERA.  And then, to make matters worse, Disick and his group of hunter pals guffaw as they take the dead animal to the skinner, and he proceeds to cut off its leg.  The whole time the group is making jokes, and Disick arrogantly is caught up in how great his alligator shoes are going to be. 

This network is called E for “Entertainment” – how is this entertainment?  I understand that there are people who don’t get it, who take life for sport, who think hunting is a game.  But I certainly don’t need to see this on television.  Have we gotten so de-sensitized to killing that this can happen on a cable television show and no one blinks? 

Thankfully, PETA noticed, and responded.  But that’s not enough.  Any one who values life, who values the tradition of television needs to respond, and loudly!  There is no excuse for this.  I know that the Kardashians are known to trash talk – they are bleeped out all the time – even their subtitles are bleeped out.  And yet, to kill an animal is ok?  No – it’s not.  If this were a dog instead of an alligator would people be more upset?  A life is a life – whether it is a pet, a wild animal, or a human.

E! needs to have some respect – for its viewers, and for the value of a life.

Saturday I took a vegan cooking class at Madeleine Bistro with Chef Dave Anderson.  I was so inspired that afterwards I ran out and bought a mandolin (for slicing vegetables) and a fancy zester!  Then I thought… I really want to grow my OWN vegetables – and have fresh vegetables plucked from my backyard served up on my dinner table.

So… why not? I mean, I have tried this before… with not so great results.  But I don’t think I was as motivated previously.  My mother, my two grandmothers, and my sisters are all AMAZING gardeners – so I thought the green thumb thing must run in the family.  But I discovered that it takes much more than just dropping a few seeds into dirt.  And I discovered that I’m a much better writer than I am a gardener!

Now I’m approaching this from a different angle.  To keep myself on track I am going to blog about this new experience.  And today is Day 1:

Yesterday my hubby and I went to Home Depot and I picked out pots and plants and seeds.  There’s really no space in my backyard for a garden to be planted into the ground – so I figured a container garden would work best.  I found plastic pots (so that they are lightweight and I can move them around if necessary) that have a built in drainage system.  I’m trying to make this as fool-proof as possible!  I also got 3 big bags of organic soil. The total came to $150., but the cashier said if I opened a Home Depot credit card I could get a $50 discount – so of course I did that!  I’m hoping that we get more than $100 worth of vegetables out of this “experiment” to make it worth my while… and I know that $100 can buy a LOT of vegetables!

I’m not a huge tomato fan – but I do love Roma tomatoes, and they didn’t have a plant of those so I got the seeds.  I put those in one of the large containers.  

Then in another large container I put a couple of little zucchini sprouts, and a couple of yellow squash sprouts.  And in the third large container I put green onion seeds.

I’ve also got 3 medium containers.  In the first I planted basil – I plant basil every year, we use it often!  In the second I planted a lemon cucumber sprout.  And in the third I put some green bean seeds and some snow pea seeds.

I’m the first to admit – I have no idea what I’m doing – but I am giving it a shot!  My new little plants are all tucked in the soil and watered – the sun is shining – so we’ll see what happens!

A Valentine to Love

By Lissa Coffey

Valentine’s Day has us all thinking about love.  We can’t escape the ads, the decorations in the stores, the promises of chocolates and roses at every point of purchase.  We get caught up in the celebration and romance of this holiday.  And yet, we know that there is much more to love than cards and candy.

Love is all there is.

Really.  There’s nothing else.  It’s what we’re made of.  It’s what we live for.  It’s who we are. 

Love is at the source of all creation.  It’s something we all strive to understand, and that we all have in common.  It’s what connects us. 

Love is our greatest teacher.  It is so big, so all-encompassing, that individually we could study it throughout our entire lifetime, and as a society we have studied it throughout the ages.  We can learn about love, we can learn from love, we can learn to love. 

Bhakti Yoga is the Path of Love.  Bhakti Yoga teaches us to love everything, and everyone, because all of it is divine.  Each small thing is a part of the greater whole, and that whole is divine.  So when we practice Bhakti we experience the feeling of love in the recognition of divinity, with everything we come across.

We experience love the most profoundly through our relationships.  Although there is only one love, love is expressed in many different ways. There have been sonnets and songs written about love throughout the ages, yet it is still difficult for us to define because it is so vast.  The Indian sages have come up with terms to help us understand some of the many aspects of love.

-Santa: Santa is peaceful, calm, and slow. This is a love we might feel for ourselves.  It is gentle, steady, and natural.

-Dasya: Dasya is the love that we might feel towards a teacher, a mentor, someone we respect and want to serve. 

-Sakhya:  Sakhya is the love we feel for a dear friend.  In friendship there is a kind of equality, a give and take, an exchange of feelings, a sharing of our selves.

-Vatsalya: Vatsalya is the love that a parent feels for a child.  A baby is so innocent and we can’t help but to want to give love to that child, without demands or expectations for anything in return.  Children are pure, and completely lovable.  We recognize this without hesitation.

-Madhura: Madhura is the love of our beloved.  This is the “in love” feeling when we are swept off our feet, blissful, devoted, and intense.  

Bhakti Yoga continually reminds us to “Love the Highest.”  When we find ourselves infatuated with our jobs, our cars, any material thing, Bhakti tells us that we are misguided.  When all of our human desire for what is new, fun, novel or beautiful is instead directed towards love, we then experience the greatest delight. 

In our human experience, love is not all hearts and flowers.  Sometimes it’s messy, it can be complicated, and it can hurt.  Love itself is pure, simple, and perfect – but we tend to muddy it up with our humanity.  We question, we expect, we desire, we need.   And in our attempts to understand we come up with definitions, we analyze, we discuss and then we filter all of this through our past experiences to come up with what we think love should be, would be, could be.  And every one of us is doing the same thing, with oftentimes very different results.  Jealousy, temptation, broken hearts and bitter break-ups are the inspiration for many songs and screenplays.

But the basic truth is that love is.  It just is. Love is beyond definition, beyond space and time, beyond any relationship.  Love is a true constant in this world.  It does not need to be created, it is always here, it has always been here, and it always will be here.  We have only to know this to notice it.  Eyes open, mind open, heart open, love is available to us in all of its myriad forms, essential simplicity and spectacular glory.