The Science of Relationships
Recently I was interviewed by a UK Magazine for an article about my take on the science behind relationships. The questions were interesting and thought-provoking – so I thought I’d share with you here:
SR: In terms of the science of attraction, what is it that attracts us to another person in the first place?
LC: In a word… karma. We have a kind of contract with certain people in this particular life – and we are compelled to fulfill it.
SR: How important is physical attraction in comparison to connecting emotionally and being on a similar intellectual level? What is the most important out of these three?
LC: Physical attraction opens that door so that you can connect in the other ways more quickly. But in terms of a relationship sustaining, if we’re talking about romantic relationships, you need all three equally.
SR: What is the key to a successful relationship? Is there some kind of formula?
LC: Kindness. Truthfulness. Some people say communication is key, but what good is communication if you’re not being truthful?
SR: What makes a happy relationship?
LC: Commitment. Knowing someone has got your back. Knowing you’re safe and can be yourself without fear that you will be abandoned.
SR: Are some of us naturally better at making relationships work than others?
LC: Our past has an impact on how we view relationships, and how we learn to be in relationships. So, some are lucky to have had positive experiences and role models which makes it easier for them. Others need to struggle to unlearn bad habits, or change thought processes that hold them back from being successful in relationships.
SR: How important is sex in human relationships?
LC: During procreation age, it is very important, it’s a way to communicate. We are naturally driven to create a family, a nest. Those instincts come out as wanting to have sex. But after that, sex as recreation is not important. It’s intimacy that is important, and we can get that in many other ways besides sex.
SR: Humans are one of the only species that evolved to have sex for pleasure rather than simply for reproductive purposes. Why do you think that is?
LC: That would be a question for an anthropologist! But from a spiritual perspective, we have these five senses, and we search for happiness through those senses, through our connection to the outside world. We’re looking in all the wrong places. True bliss is only found within, when we discover and experience our connection with the Divine.
SR: Which do you think is more natural for humans; monogamy or promiscuity? Why?
LC: More natural? Monogamy. Although many would argue differently. We are not animals. We are spiritual creatures living in this human body. To experience the spiritual it is far better for us to have that intimate experience with one person. To dive deep and learn about ourselves through our relationships.
SR: Unfaithfulness/infidelity – is it a conscious choice or something beyond our control? Does it have a place in society or does it do nothing but harm?
LC: It’s our ego out of control. We think it is fun, we use the excuse that we can’t help it, but it just shows spiritual and emotional immaturity.
SR: Do you think love and lust are separate, or are they linked?
LC: Love, true love, is seeing the divine in your partner. Lust is merely hormones and ego.
SR: What impact do you think social media is having on our ability to find, start and maintain healthy relationships?
LC: It is certainly helping us to find and start relationships. To maintain them that’s up to us. You can’t really maintain a relationship just via social media. I do think it is helping grandparents stay in better touch with grandkids, and help them to know what is going on in their lives, seeing their photos of all their activities and such. That’s a good thing. Reconnecting with old friends. But for genuine, healthy, intimate relationships you have to go beyond social media.
SR: Following on from the above question, online chat rooms and dating apps have changed the way we meet potential partners. Is this a good change or a bad one? How do you think this will change in the future?
LC: It’s good up to a point. It’s also bad. We don’t know who is genuine or not, or what their motives are for participating. I think it will change in that there will be more safeguards, more vetting involved – purely out of necessity.
SR: In the UK, statistics show that divorce rates are very high. Why do you think that is? Have we become a society of giving up rather than trying to fix things, or is it better to let go when you know something isn’t right?
LC: We’re living longer, that’s a part of it. It’s really difficult to sustain a marriage over a lifetime. People grow and change and drift apart. They’re not the same people as they were when they first got together. And also I think there’s this impulse in young people – they want a marriage and don’t see it as a lifelong commitment. That’s why we have all these “starter” marriages.
SR: What do you think is the biggest challenge facing relationships today?
LC: Distractions. We are so distracted by the internet, and work, and activities that we don’t focus enough on the person right in front of us, who needs and deserves our attention most of all.