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Confused in Anchorage

Question

Lissa –

I’m in my second marriage, have two kids (one from previous marriage) and my current relationship hasn’t always been good.   We have had several arguments during our 10 year marriage in which we have come close to divorce several times.   I still love my husband, but as a friend at this point.   The problem is, I have fallen for another man and am considering leaving my husband to persue this other relationship.   I am head over heels in love with this other man who is in the process of a divorce.   He has asked me to move in with him in another state with my kids.  I am torn and unsure what to do because of the kids.   I know I could stick it out with my husband until the youngest is thru high school before making the choice to divorce my husband, but this is 8 years away.   My husband and I usually have arguments approx. every 6-8 months and they are loud and can be scary.   He has punched several walls during these arguments.  I Have tried to hide this from my children, but they have been aware we are having problems.   If I leave my husband to presue this other relationship am I jumping from the frying pan into the fire?   My current husband and I have gone to  counseling several times and it doesn’t seem to help.   Do I try to find true love with this other man?

I am unable to discuss this problem with anyone – any advise you can provide would be very appreciated.

 

Answer

Dear Confused, I’m glad you wrote to me. It sounds like you really need someone to talk with about this. There are a lot of things going on with your situation – and maybe I can help by getting you to look at some of them individually. -It sounds like your husband has an anger management problem. How serious is this? Has he seen a professional about it? Are you afraid that he might get physically violent? Is he emotionally abusive? Before you approach him about separation, maybe you two could have a talk about this issue. What is making him so mad? Is he unhappy in the marriage? What does he want from your relationship? -Then there’s the kids. Does your ex see his child? How would this current husband feel about you moving out of state and taking the kids? How would the kids feel moving away from their fathers? How would they feel about moving in with another man in another state? -Then there’s the other man. He’s not divorced yet, so he’s not really free to ask you to pick up stakes and chuck it all. Have you spent enough time with him to really know him? Why is he getting a divorce? There are always two sides to the story. For a relationship to achieve intimacy you need two components: time and truth. Do you know that he’s telling you the truth? Is he willing to make a commitment? Does he have chilldren to support? Does he want to have children with you? Is that what you want? -Then there’s you. When a marriage is in trouble it’s easy to be vulnerable to another man’s attentions. What qualities does he have that makes you believe that this new man is more right for you than the first or second husband? Take a look at the decisions you’ve made in the past. They’ve all led you to where you are now. Are you happy? Now is your chance to do things differently. Whether you stay or go this is a fork in the road, and you can make changes to make your life better. Maybe it’s time for you to take some time to discover just who you are – regardless of the man in your life. Get to know YOU, get to fall in love with YOU and know that you don’t need anyone but YOU to make you happy! Find a counselor who can help you work through this so that you can feel completely satisfied that whatever decisions you make are the right ones for you and your children. Let me know how it goes. Love, Lissa