Coffeytalk on Facebook
Coffeytalk on Twitter
Coffeytalk on Youtube
Coffeytalk on Instagram
Coffeytalk on Amazon
Coffeytalk on Spotify
buttonlayer2

Admits bring sad yet the Break Up Continues.

Question

Dear Lissa,

I am seeking professional help today because I honestly do not know what to do any more.  To better understand I will give you back ground information.

This past January my fiance who I have been with for 4 1/2 years and I broke up.  Through out our relationship we have had our ups and downs but Always in the end came out on top Together. I Know that I am truly the only person that knows him best.  His own friends and family dont know him like I do and sometimes I believe that I know him more than he does him own self. I would have married him and dedicated my entire life to him but there are some things I just can’t get over or understand why he does certain things.

In the past he cheated on me with a stripper for two weeks. He also contacted a woman on Craigslist during the time he cheated on me. He says it was because I was not a priority to him and that I just didn’t give him attention and care. During this time I do agree that I was not as affectionate with him because I felt that it was me that was no longer a priority to him. Furthermore, we worked everything out and have been good. This happened in the end of 2008.

2009 we moved in together. Also his sister and her two kids moved in with us! At first it was fine but it was obvious that his sister and the kids did strain and stress our relationship. We had our good and bad times in 2009. Toward the end we were really good! At least I thought. We were practically married. We lived together, had same bank account, bought things together. He even bought me a Brand New Truck for Christmas! Our New Years was AWESOME too! Everything was so good! Except the week after New Years he said something that really bothered me. He was being way inconsiderate of me. I was so angry that I did not want to talk about it that night but instead the next day so we can talk and not fight. The next day came and we talked. We were ok, not the greatest but still ok. The weekend came along and I had told him it was my best friends birthday and that I was going to go to dinner with her and a drink after then I would meet up with him. (By the way I Never see my friends and we Always hang out with his). Well that night my friend had a horrible birthday and I was the only one there for her. So once I finally was free to meet up with him he said no. We hung up bad. When he came home I decided to just snuggle up next to him and hold him in hopes to just be ok. I did not want to fight. I just wanted us to be good. That night we had sex and cuddled. The next morning I woke up and decided to hop on the computer since he was still sleeping. And to my SHOCK I found that he was looking up women on Craislist!!!! I was so SHOCKED, Angry, Disgusted, Mad, and hurt. I woke him and yelled at him saying what the Hell was This!!! He tried to calm me down and said I was taking it the wrong way. I was so Angry that I got ready and left the house. That day I decided to go shopping to try and make myself feel better. Later that night I went back home to sit down and just talk about it. However, he broke up with me. He was angry and in a bad mood. (By the way he has severe PTSD).  I packed some of my things and left.

As the weeks went by he started talking to one of my friends (ex now). They started “dating” but I KNOW he was only using her for sex and also for filling the void of me not there. He started talking to all these other women and having sex with them. He even contacted women on Craigslist!!!!!! I tried to reach out and tell him that I never wanted to break up and I know he is not happy. As a couple months pass by he calls me! I answer and we started talking about everything. Our conversation lasted an hour and it was Really Good! I asked him if he was seriously happy with my “friend” and he said how can he be happy with any one else if he is not happy with himself. I know that he is not ok and he has even said it.

A few weeks passed by and I ended up seeing him quick. We started to talk about everything and he said he was not ok and how one night his entire world was Perfect then the next day his world turned up side down. I said Me too! He broke up with Me! As we were talking he asked if I slept with anyone. Unfortunately I did and was honest with him. He then just got up and walked away. It was a HUGE mistake that I slept with the person I did and I can honestly say I too was trying to fill the void. However, I KNOW all the women he has been sleeping with AND not to mention he got with my FRIEND!!!!!!

About a week or two went by and I decided to write him an email. I said everything that I have been wanting to say to him. We never really talked fully about our break up and I just said Everything I had to say to him. I also sent him a lot of our letters we wrote each other while he was deployed. After writing him I felt SO GOOD! Released. Relief! Ever since then Ive been having Great days until recently.

He stopped talking to my “friend” and is now talking to all these different women again. Which I actually prefer than having it be my ex friend. The other day he texted me asking me a question about one of the bills. I texted back but am confused because he has that information. I just hate that I dont hear from him and he flipped out that I was HONEST to him about sleeping with some one else and he just pops back into my life when I dont hear from him in forever.

I honestly know that he is NOT Happy. I know him. I know he is Not Happy. I know that he is filling the void of me not there and talking to all these different women and sleeping with them. I know who he really is and see all the good in him. I know all the good in him. Why is he doing all of this??? Why wont he just admit he wants me. Why wont he come to me. Why is he doing the things he is doing. I treated him like King and I KNOW I AM the BEST he has EVER had and I KNOW he is Not happy. Why wont he just let his ego stand down. I dont know what to do. I have been doing nothing but sometimes I just want to write him or call. (He Loves the Chase. Me chasing him not him chasing me) And because of this I think thats why we have not got back together. I did not chase him and he will not chase me because of his ego. WHAT DO I DO???? Chase him? Let him go? I Know he is not happy. Sometimes I want to just let go and move on because I DO deserve better but then again I also DO KNOW ALL the Good in him. I know that I DO keep him stable. I know that I am good for him. I see all the good in him. Sometimes though he can just be this COMPLETLY different person. Its like he has two personalities. Its also hard knowing he has Severe PTSD and I know this plays a HUGE role in why he can be so cruel, mean, heartless, careless, selfish. But he can honestly be the complete opposite. What do I do???? Please Help.

Sincerely,

SY.

 

Answer

Dear SY,

You know what to do, you just want someone’s permission to do it.  MOVE ON!  This is not a healthy relationship.  It is not good for you.  You are not going to “fix” this guy – he has huge issues that he has to work on himself – and he needs counseling.  He has PTSD, but that is no excuse for hurting people, or for being reckless (putting your life and health in danger by being promiscuous). You have invested enough of your time and energy into this relationship and basically, over all of these years, nothing has changed.  Is this the situation you want to be in 5, or 10 years from now?

My advice is this: do not chase him.  Do not contact him.  Separate all your stuff and go your separate ways.  Do not worry about him, do not think about what he’s doing – take care of YOURSELF!  Think about what you are doing.  You are caught up in this pattern of behavior that is self-destructive, and it’s time to officially end it and get on with your own life. 

I know it can be difficult to get someone out of your system.  Check out the video on my site: http://www.closurebook.com and learn about the 5 stages of closure.  Your first relationship is with yourself – that’s the relationship you have to work on right now.  

Good luck!

Love,

Lissa