We live in a materialistic society.  We are consumers.  We have easy access to money – with ATMs on every corner, credit cards offers filling up our mailboxes, online shopping 24/7.  We have ways to get money and ways to spend money more than we ever have had before.  And because of this, consumer debt, excluding mortgages, has doubled in the past decade.  It now averages close to $20,000 per household.  And this is a huge issue in marriages.

Since we are marrying at a later age now, we come into the relationship with our own monetary histories, just as we come in with our own sexual pasts.  Most adults, 67% of women and 74% of men, enter marriage with at least some debt from cars loans, credit cards, student loans, etc.  Are we upfront and open with our partners about our assets and debts?  Do we know what we’re getting into when we commit our life, and our finances, to this other person?  Marriage is as much a promise of fiscal partnership as of sexual monogamy.  We need to talk about money, get it out in the open, make sure our values mesh and come to agreements about spending and saving.  Set common goals, and work towards them together.  We need to get away from “mine” and “yours” and think of money as “ours.”  Couples who have this team approach to finances have a higher rate of success in staying together.  It’s okay to have separate accounts, but it’s not okay to hide that money, the other person needs to be aware of it.

Couples argue about money more than any other issue.  And those arguments are more intense than when we talk about any other topic.  Money is tied to our hopes and dreams, our sense of security, and our emotions and expectations.  When you’re married, the world treats you as one financial entity, so you need to approach finances honestly, one person can’t operate purely out of self-interest.

Financial Infidelity can have legal and long-lasting consequences, but iit also takes an emotional toll on couples.  It’s a breach of trust.  One partner is keeping secrets, and the other feels betrayed, asking “what else are you not telling me?”  This leads to a decrease in emotional intimacy, because one partner is so afraid of that secret coming out that they can’t let down their guard, they can’t be themselves.  If trust is lost in one area then it is more likely to be lost in other areas as well.  Both partners need to feel that they can talk freely, and they need a sense of security about the future.  With financial infidelity you lose that.  Just as with sexual affairs, you have to work hard to rebuild that trust.


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We live in a materialistic society.  We are consumers.  We have easy access to money – with ATMs on every corner, credit cards offers filling up our mailboxes, online shopping 24/7.  We have ways to get money and ways to spend money more than we ever have had before.  And because of this, consumer debt, excluding mortgages, has doubled in the past decade.  It now averages close to $20,000 per household.  And this is a huge issue in marriages.

Since we are marrying at a later age now, we come into the relationship with our own monetary histories, just as we come in with our own sexual pasts.  Most adults, 67% of women and 74% of men, enter marriage with at least some debt from cars loans, credit cards, student loans, etc.  Are we upfront and open with our partners about our assets and debts?  Do we know what we’re getting into when we commit our life, and our finances, to this other person?  Marriage is as much a promise of fiscal partnership as of sexual monogamy.  We need to talk about money, get it out in the open, make sure our values mesh and come to agreements about spending and saving.  Set common goals, and work towards them together.  We need to get away from “mine” and “yours” and think of money as “ours.”  Couples who have this team approach to finances have a higher rate of success in staying together.  It’s okay to have separate accounts, but it’s not okay to hide that money, the other person needs to be aware of it.

Couples argue about money more than any other issue.  And those arguments are more intense than when we talk about any other topic.  Money is tied to our hopes and dreams, our sense of security, and our emotions and expectations.  When you’re married, the world treats you as one financial entity, so you need to approach finances honestly, one person can’t operate purely out of self-interest.

Financial Infidelity can have legal and long-lasting consequences, but iit also takes an emotional toll on couples.  It’s a breach of trust.  One partner is keeping secrets, and the other feels betrayed, asking “what else are you not telling me?”  This leads to a decrease in emotional intimacy, because one partner is so afraid of that secret coming out that they can’t let down their guard, they can’t be themselves.  If trust is lost in one area then it is more likely to be lost in other areas as well.  Both partners need to feel that they can talk freely, and they need a sense of security about the future.  With financial infidelity you lose that.  Just as with sexual affairs, you have to work hard to rebuild that trust.


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-Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes vowed to never go to bed angry.  But sometimes that’s just what you need to strengthen your relationship.  Fighting is cleansing – it gets all the gunk out on the table that’s been building up.  The purpose of arguing is not to come to a consensus but to come to some clarification.  Once you both understand what the issue is you can work on how to solve it. But don’t “over fight” – know when to take a time-out, even if it is overnight.  Our emotions tend to get really worked up in the heat of an argument, and if we keep going we might say hurtful things that we don’t really mean.  Give each other that “time-out” signal when you start feeling overwhelmed or out of control.  It’s okay to take a break and re-visit the conversation with a clear head.  Then you’re more likely to get resolution.  Why stay up all night yelling at each other?

- Honesty is key to any intimate relationship.   But you can still bend the truth for the sake of being kind.  If your husband asks if you find some young hunk in your office attractive, what is he really saying?  He’s asking for assurance that you are still attracted to the old guy you married!  So rather than going on about how handsome your co-worker is, you can turn it around and say: “He’s not my type, you’re my type!” or something similar.   Maybe the guy is your type, but since you honestly intend to stick with your husband, that little lie helps to uphold the greater truth, which is that you love your husband and you don’t want to hurt his feelings.

]]> What to do when you've already done it all?  Some romance tips:
-glow in the dark stars on the ceiling
-rose petals in the bathtub
-couples massage
-exchange blank books - each of you writes down happy memories and things you love about the other person - and leave them on the bookshelf so you can continue writing the books and the other person can go in and read theirs every once in awhile.  Put in ticket stubs, cut out cartoons from the newspaper to include - anything that will make your partner smile.
-Make a "mix CD" of songs from when you were dating, when you were married, etc.
-picnic dinner in bed - only foods you eat with your fingers
-get the car washed, fill it up with gas, and put a card and flower on the dashboard.  Sometimes the simplest things are the most thoughtful, and mean the most when you're both busy working etc.
-When celebrating with kids: heart shaped pizza, heart shaped pasta, heart shaped cookies or cake
-leave candy kisses or those little valentine heart conversation candies everywhere for little surprises all day - in his pocket, in her purse, in the silverware drawer, taped with a love note to the bathroom mirror, in the car, etc.
-sent romantic text messages!  It's not just for teenagers anymore... adults can learn to text or IM and send sweet signals!  Or send a photo or yourself with an "I love you" sign.
-buy an instructional dance DVD, move the furniture back, and have a dancing date!  Or just crank up your favorite tunes from high school or college days.  Be prepared to laugh!  If you want to go all out, set the mood twinkle lights or a mini mirror ball.
-Get a henna (temporary) tattoo of your spouse's name on your shoulder
-make a personal "I love you" screensaver or wallpaper and have it up on your honey's computer when they turn it on in the morning

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Be kind, and be honest. Don't make up any stories or come up with excuses.  Be direct.  Use "I" words rather than "you" words.  For example: "I think our relationship has run its course and I'm ready to move on," rather than "You are a lazy slob."  No name calling, and no ABCs (assuming, blaming, complaining).

 
Is it best to do it in person? Is it o.k. to write a letter or do it over the phone? What about e-mail?  Is it possible to still stay friends? If we already live together how do we split everything equally and remain civilized.

It's best to break up in person, but you can use as a guideline how long you've been together and how close you've been.  If you've just been dating a few weeks and haven't been intimate, then a phone call is acceptable, but not a voice mail.  Never e-mail!  And be careful what you put in writing, you don't know who will read it.  It is possible to stay friends if that is what you both want.  Sometimes one party is hurt by the break-up, which makes it difficult.  In that case some time apart to heal is best.  If you live together, spend a Saturday figuring out what is "his," "hers," and "ours."  The person who is moving out gets first choice in picking what to take from the "ours" pile.  Remind yourselves that you are both adults and act with rationality rather than emotion.  And remember that time really does heal all wounds, so even if it feels terrible at the moment, it will get better.

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-"Which reality show would you rather be on and why? Survivor, Amazing Race, The Apprentice, The Bachelor?"
-"What is your favorite holiday and why?"
-"If you had $100,000 and you had to spend it in 3 days what would you spend it on?"
-"Which birthday of yours do you remember the most?"
-"Who is your favorite author/actor/humanitarian, etc. and why?"
-"Your first car/kiss/crush/job, etc?"
-"2 weeks off paid and a round trip ticket anywhere in the world - where do you go?"
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