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STUCK IN LIMBO

Question

DEAR LISSA:

HELP PLEASE!!!

I AM A DIVORCED WOMAN OF 48 WITH (3) CHILDREN. I MARRIED MY FIRST BOYFRIEND @ AGE 18 AND DIVORCED HIM 5 YEARS AGO ( STAYED 26 YEARS) MY DATING EXPERIENCE IS NIL, AND I FEEL LIKE I AM IN OVER MY HEAD. PRIOR TO MY DIVORCE I MET MY “DREAM” MAN AND MOVED IN WITH HIM BEFORE MY DIVORCE WAS FINAL ( MY HUSBAND WAS HANDLING IT). I THOUGHT HE WAS EVERYTHING MY HUSBAND WAS NOT, GOOD FATHER, LOVING HUSBAND TO BE. HE URGED ME TO HURRY THE DIVORCE THRU SO HE COULD MARRY ME. MY HUSBAND & I’S HOUSE WAS AWARDED TO ME AND WE ALL MOVED INTO IT AND OUT OF HIS RENTAL HOME AFTER A YEAR THERE. THE PROBLEM IS HE IS STILL MARRIED TO HIS LAST WIFE/NEVER STARTED HIS DIVORCE. HE CALLS ME HIS “OLD LADY” – EX-BIKER TERM. HE QUESTIONS MY NEED TO HAVE HIM COMMIT TO ME – IE, START HIS DIVORCE, THEN MAYBE WE BECOME ENGAGED, THEN MARRIED LATER. I FEEL THAT HE IS DISRESPECTING ME BY LIVING WITH ME ALL THIS TIME ( (5) YEARS NOW) AND NOT DONE SO. HE ACKNOWLEDGES TO OTHER PEOPLE THAT WE ARE NOT MARRIED, I AM JUST HIS GIRL FRIEND. AM I SO DENSE, THAT I FEEL HURT BY THAT? IS THAT HOW “BOYFRIENDS” BEHAVE NOWDAYS? HE SWEARS HE LOVES ME TO THE DEPTHS OF HIS SOUL, ETC. THAT IS MY FIRST QUESTION: IS HIS BEHAVIOR CORRECT IN OUR RELATIONSHIP? IS HE JUST LEADING ME AND MY KIDS ON? HE FIXES UP OUR HOUSE, HELPS WITH BILLS, BUYS THE KIDS’ BIRTHDAY AND CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. AM I ASKING TOO MUCH?

MY OTHER QUESTION IS THIS: DO I HAVE A RIGHT TO QUESTION THE FOLLOWING RECENT INCIDENTS?

WE STARTED GOING TO A LOCAL BAR AND SHOOTING POOL/DRINKINGONCE A WEEK. THEN HE STARTS GOING THERE ALMOST EVERY DAY AFTER HE GETS OFF WORK. HE BEFRIENDS THE PRETTY BAR MAID AND FEELS SORRY FOR HER BECAUSE HER SOON TO BE EX-HUSBAND TOOK BACK THE TRUCK HE WAS LETTING HER DRIVE AND LEFT HER CARLESS. THREE WEEKS AFTER WE STARTED GOING TO THIS BAR, HE LOANS HER $750 FOR A DOWN PAYMENT ON A CAR. HE CALLS HER HIS BEST FRIEND, AND HAS HAD OTHER WOMEN BEST FRIENDS. AM I BEING “TAKEN FOR A RIDE” PLEASE E-MAIL ME BACK.

STUCK IN LIMBO

Answer

Dear Stuck, You feel disrespected because you are being disrespected, you’re not imagining it. You gave up a lot to be with this man, and he has not given up anything to be with you. He is eating his cake and having it, too. And having some girlfriends and a wife on the side to boot! This isn’t love, it’s manipulation, and you don’t have to go along with it. You want more than you’re getting from this relationship, you want committment, and you deserve it. Since he has made it clear that he’s not willing to commit, then you have some choices to make. He’s not going to change his behavior, but you can change yours. What do you want to do? Decide what you want and what you’re willing to live with and then take action. 5 years is a long time to be stuck in limbo. Let me know what happens. Love, Lissa