Coffeytalk on Facebook
Coffeytalk on Twitter
Coffeytalk on Youtube
Coffeytalk on Instagram
buttonlayer2

on the verge in WV

Question

Please help I have read many articles and tried many different things but I am finally at my witts end and on the verge of telling my hubby that he must choose between his kids and me( not a good place for me to be). My husband and I have been married for almost 8 yrs. He moved in with me 3 weeks before we were married (we kept our date a secret even we didn’t know until the actual day) There were no issues in that 3 weeks his daughter(7yrs) stayed with us the entire time, during this time we paid her day care cost and r childsupport. His ex didn’t say a word until her daughter told her that we had gotten married. That day her mother my husbands ex started saying I was going to beat the child. At first I ignored this as jealousy. I took his daughter with my kids school clothes shopping (dumb idea) I bought her just as much as my kids got. She wanted to take her name brand (at the time Limited too) clothes home and show her mom and sister (from her mom’s first marriage) I was to dumb to know better so I sent a large shopping bag full of clothes. The child would come back for her every other weekend visits  with not even a change of underwear. Her mom said she would not send any clothes with her even though we paid child support. Therefore I stopped sending her clothes that we purchased home with her except for the coat I couldn’t send her to school in the cold and know that she was riding the bus home with a coat (this happened 2 yrs in a row).the first Christmas we were together we bought her gifts comparable to my kids plus she got a brand new bedroom suite( my kids all have handy me downs) we even bought for her sister (who was not adopted by my husband but did have her last name changed to his last name). We asked for the sister to be allowed to visit too since she had been in my hubbys life since she was two and was now 12. This was refused so we sent her and her mother gifts home with my husbands daughter.  His youngest sister was pissed off that the other child was not at their family Christmas but mine were cause a major ruckus and my kids and I were treated horrible. We have not been back to a family function since then.Things did not get better in Feb 04 my husband had a lung removed (fungal infection had killed it and he was coughing up blood) his ex would not let his daughter visit because I would have to pick her up and she would only allow him to pick her up he was in the hospital for 2 weeks post op and could not drive for 3 months. During this time he was not allowed to see his daughter because the mom would not let her in the car if I was driving. This was eventually corrected by the courts. We continued to ask for the other child to visit and were denied. We were told that because she was not adopted he had no rights so there was nothing we could do there. That did not help the matter because the sister started telling the daughter that we were taking her places to get her killed or that I or my kids were going to kill her.This made matters worse. Then the daughter got caught trying to steal my daughters pre paid cell phone (she bought it herself with her birthday money and was the only child to have one) the daughter was also caught stealing my sons game boy games ( she had her own games and system). I even had a fight with my family to about the fact that they had to treat Whitney the same as they did my kids. My husband and I had decided that there would be no differences made in the kids that we could help ( nothing could be done with what my kids dads family bought for them or what Whit’s moms family did for her). My family did honor our requests and all 4 kids were treated equal. However, Whit was not allowed to take the gifts home with her because of the stealing incident. SHe would take things to her moms and not bring them back then try to take my kids stuff as hers. She had her own bedroom took me 3 weeks to paint it all walls were ocen with hand painted fish on the bottom waves in the middle and dolphons as she requested. ( my boys were sharing a room while we built another and they lived here full time). So we filled her toy bos and shelves with her gifts. My kids were not allowed in her bedroom when she was not here and did not invite them. We even bought her a tv because my kids already had them when she moved in ( that wasn’t fair to my kids but it made life easier). Whit told us she wanted to come live with us so we went back to court she told the mom she wanted to live with her and in the end the judge said it was better to keep the sisters together but told the mom she had to transfer to day shift or we would get custody. the mom worked at a local plant and stayed on night shift to be with her boyfriend(the one she was caught cheating with and caused her an my hubbys divorce) her kids went to school m-f and lived with a babbysitter of the evening she only saw whit 4 days a month (the 2 weekends she was not with us). The babysitter got sick and had to quit and she hired my youngest sister in law who moved in and lived with them until the ex moved( 6 months approx.)She transfered to day shift and moved in with the boyfriend. She moved and did not provide any info for 6 months we had no idea of where Whit was. BUt i’m getting a little ahead of myself. After my hubby and I had been married for about 1 1/2 yrs Whit finally started saying I was hitting her. Luck for me she was good a lying (Yet) because my hubby was in the room when the first incident happened and I wasn’t. I had placed her dress shoes on the back of a recliner where they were waiting for her to take when her mom picked her up (our car was broke down and had broke down after we had picked her up or else she wouldn’t have been allowed to visit per her mom) anyway I had already walked down the hallway when she jumped inthe chair and the shoes fell on her. She claimed I threw the shoes and hit her like I said lucky for me her dad was in the room with her and I was not in the room. That didn’t help matters at all I was guilty as far as the mom was concerned and so she went to day shift and moved in with the boyfriend. Once we found where she was we got a letter stating that due to me being a threat to the daughter she was resticting his rights to see his daughter he could see her if he would take her shopping everytime he had her and that she would not be allowed around me that they would have to stay in a hotel. we tried to fight this in court but the loss of his lung also cost him his job(he worked in the chemical field and the doctors said he could no longer do that type of work) He now made less money and we could not afford a lawyer (60,000+ in med bills and a major pay reduction) we never ask for the child support to be changed and have still not ( I am tryign to talk him into it since he only made 11,000 this year and his ex made almost 60,000). He was finally allowed to see his daughter a year later at one of mu kids ball games her mother dropped her off and picked her up. He got in trouble becasue I was at my kids game (hello does she have a brain?). We tried getting help from legal aid and child support enforcement they all wanted money we did not have (we could barely make ends meet, my kids gave up all travle sports and we did away with cable TV for 1 1/2 yrs all we had were rabbit ears and we even ended up getting food stamps) so once again he was not allowed to see his child then his dad went in the hosital and had to have open heart surgery. the child was allowed to come to the hospital and see her grandfather My husband was not allowed to get her his younger sister ( the trouble maker) had to meet the mom downstairs and bring her up the child told us that she was not allowed to speak to us and that Ashley would tell her mom she was only allowed to speak to the grandpa). Once again no contact. We had decided to move for a better job so I packed up Whitneys stuff and had it al lin trash bags. Ashley picked up the bags and was to deliver them which she did but she picke dup two extra bags that were my daughters clothes.  The ex refused to return these and said my daughter can wear them you aren’t getting them back setting the example that stealing is ok. then the kid had a four wheeler accicent and was not taken to the hosital but was allowed to see My hubby because they felt guilty one week post accident we took her to health plus where her hand was shown to be broken. This made matters worse “we had no right to take her to the doctor” once again the court system would not help and neither would child protective services. She even had a bump on the head possible concussion but post one week they couldn’t be for sure. Anyway while the fight was going on he was allowed to see his daughter once again she would come without clothing so we took her and bought more clothes and shoes but the visiting stopped becasue I would not send her new clothes home with her. This has gone on for years. She has not been physically in my home for 4yrs.  We have seen her when we have been told about 3 ballgames all in 2009 and all but one over an hours drive for us. My husband broke his arm and was not able to attend his daughters 8th grade graduation (she lives 2 hours away now and he was not able to drive his vehicle on the pain meds and I was working we need the money)June 2010. She has not let him live this down. She has posted on Facebook how much she hates him and doesn’t want him to contact her. He had to finally unfriend her so she then started posting it on all of his families sites please tell my dad I hate him I don’t wnat anything to do with him he chose a woman over me and tell him not to try and contact me. I think I forgot to metion that everytime he wasn’t allowed to see his daughter he was told my first her mom then as she got oder her that if he would divorce me she would come see him ( the house is mine and was mine 10 years before we were married and is in mine and my ex husbands names). and yes it is bigger than both of his ex wife’s houses. But that should not be important. His facebook was hacked in Nov 2010 and It took us until Jan 2011 to get it fixed during the fix the block on whitney and ashley got deleted this was an accident. Whitney discovered it (we didn’t) and sent him a friend request. He was dumb enough to accept it and the crap started all over again so he pasted her a response to her crap as well as copied it to her face book page mind you only his friends can see his post due to privacy settings. This is the next to last message Whitney posted on his wall  

Hi Jamie,
Whitney Jones commented on your status.

Whitney wrote: “Well I want you to understand what you’re missing. Grow up and actually see your own kid instead of Hers all the time. I’m your own blood, not them. & you’ve told me sooooooo many times your going to leave her. Guess what, you didn’t. ”  Jamie responded with Jamie Jonesey Jones

Whitney first of all I have no intention of leaving my wife. I love her. 2nd it was your and your mothers choice for you not to see me 3rd I have told you that you are welcome at my home any time it is your choice not to come 4th I don’t see you because you post on here how much you hate me and don’t want me to see you or contact you 5. blood doesn’t matter when it comes to love 6. when you marry someone their kids become yours you do not make a difference which you and my family can’t seem to understand 7.If you want to see me then come see me if you don’t then leave me alone I will not argue back and forth with you and your jealousy I will block you again if I absolutely have to

She got the picture fast and stopped her crap. However this set his sister (the trouble maker off) as well as a possible daughter that he gave up to adoption a long time ago. Matasia is now 22 and has a daughter of her own and lives in Fl not even around here.
Matasia then posted this on James wall”James I have never questioned why u did not fight to be in my life 0r

r why you have missed everyone of my birthdays I met u and left the past in the past. I have never talked bad about u even though you have not done anything for me in my life. Sherrie has done a lot for makayla and u are a team so I thank u for that as well but I stand by the saying that all it takes for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing so I am standing up for what I believe in. You have 2 daughters technically 3 (including whitneys sister who u gave Ur last name) which isn’t she considered Ur kid according to u she is! I am so ashamed that I am related to a man that woul post those things to his child yes she is only15 she’s a fucking kid you put it out there for all her friends to see! That is a form of child abuse it is great that u and Sherrie are happy I am happy for u! But for u to say blood is not thicker than water when it comes to Your child? Maybe others I could see but ur own baby? What the fuck is wrong with u? You will delete this as I am sure u will block me out of shame and u should be ashamed of how you have done ur own children. The hurt u have caused will never be undone and I hope Sherrie knows that IF a big if u ever leaver her u will leave her kids in the dust too! I pray for u I pray that one day u will realize what u have done to a child and I pray that karma kicks u in Ur ass”

He deleted this and I had previously posted on my wall that i think that if you don’t know the whole situation you should stay out of it and keep your mouth shut ( had to do with Cheerleading not this issue) and Matasia went off on me and starting posting that I am a bitch etc…. so I unfriended her sorry not worth my time to keep deleting comments so she started texting me. Keep in mind that we have sent her 15 packs of diapers babywipes and a ton of clothes  almost a box a month of stuff. plus before I lost my job in 2009 we paid her rent several times so she wasn’t evicted( no we really coulnd’t afford this I borrowed it from my mom and paid it back in little payments) The kicker is she may not even be his there was never a DNA test done and he signed the birth certificate because he was dating and in love with the mom later he found out about another guy she had been sleeping with when Matasia was 4 he let the moms husband adopte her becasuse at that time he could provide her with a better life Matasia found my hubby when she was 16 and came for a short visit twice never overnight we bought her Christmas presents she had moved in with her grandma next thing we knew she had been moved back to Fl with her mom and we did not know how to contact her she found us again ( still  in the same place about 3 yrs ago.) My husband, myself and his other sister beleive that all of this is being stired by the younger sister the comments are all comments she has made about my kids. She constatnly tells people that my kids aren’t my husbands they refer to us collectively as their parents they do not call him dad he does not refer to them as his step children but as his kids. This is not acceptable and according to his daughters and his younger sister he is not suppose to go to any of their games, do anything for them etc because they are not his blood however for the one child of his ex that is not his he is suppose to take care of her and do things. We do not understand the difference. This is causing a major rift in my marriage and I am on the verge of telling him what I have never told him but what his ex, daughters and sister has that he must finally choose between his marriage and them. I have put up with all the crap and the phone calls etc for almost 8 yrs. I do not want to do this but I have tried everything I have told him if he would be happier elsewhere leave. I really don’t know what to do my daughter had to start blocking them from her Facebook due to messages that are inappropriate Yes we have reported the threats to facebook without any assistance. I am at my end here. Please help me and us to figure out what we should be doing before I really go nuts

Thanks

Sherrie

 

Answer

Oh my…  This is very long and involved story.  You have a lot going on here.  Let me just give you a few tips that I hope will be helpful.

1.  Don’t use Facebook as a battleground.  It’s better not to be on there at all than to have to contend with bullying.  There are other ways to communicate that are more functional and less public.  There should not be threats or swear words involved.  You and your husband should make clear to each child that if they want to talk, and have a conversation like this, then it is to be done face to face.

2.  I don’t think you need to give your husband an ultimatum.  It sounds like he is as frustrated with the dysfunction as you are.  The two of you just need to stay on the same page.  Set boundaries, with the kids and the ex.  Be clear with what you will tolerate and what you won’t.

3.  Remember that kids may be angry and confused now, but when they grow up and understand the whole story, things change.  As long as you continue to take the high road, don’t bad-mouth anyone, do your best to include everyone, then you are doing pretty darn good.  There’s not much that you can be blamed for.

4.  Your husband and his ex really need a mediator, and it can’t be you.  It has to be a neutral party, preferably a professional.  They need to establish a visitation schedule, what is expected of both parties (who provides clothes, etc) and they need to stick with it.  There can be consequences in place so that it is clear what happens if one or the other doesn’t stick with it.  Check with your county to see what kind of family services are available and who can help you with this.

5.  It’s your house, so you make the rules.  This means you say who stays over, who gets what room, etc.  Don’t let the kids take over.  And don’t worry about making everything even.  Life is not even.  You can make every little thing have to be earned.  They can earn privileges by showing respect, taking care of the house and their things, doing chores, etc. 

6.  If the ex, or any friend or relative is threatening you, or telling lies about you, document it.  Keep a record so that if things get bad, you can get a restraining order against them.  You have to protect yourself and your kids.

7.  Consider selling the house and moving away to a different city or state.  Some distance might just improve things all around.  Give the kids some time to grow up and not have to deal with continual fighting.  Remember you can’t deal rationally with irrational people.  You’ve tried many different things, and if nothing is working, stop trying.  Your husband might just welcome this idea.

 

I hope that helps!

Love,

Lissa