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need the truth

Question

Hi Lissa,

I’m in need the cold hard truth that I think only a woman can offer in this situation.  I’ve been with my girlfriend for 6 years, and we’ve been open about discussing everything in our past (at least I thought). 

However, when I ask anything that has to do with her sexual history, she refuses to give me ANY answer and instead gets angry that I’m asking.  Why would she do this?

It immediately raised my suspicion that something was wrong.  Especially, when I ask her anything sexual about her ex, she claims that she FORGOT, even though she was also with him for 6 years.

She accuses me of being “obsessed” and “looking for things that aren’t there,” but I do feel hurt at her evasiveness, especially after she’s asked me endlessly about my sexual past, and I told her everything.  I thought that after all these years, we were BOTH open, not just me.

I don’t like being the only one who’s being honest about the past.  Why would she be so open about everything else…family, friends, etc., but when it comes to something as simple as “how many guys have you kissed,” she becomes infuriated.  But she can ask me “how many times did you sleep with so-and-so,” and “did you ever do xyz with her,” etc.

It’s not fair that I’m being treated like all of my past is her business, but her past is none of my business.  I need to know what’s going on.  From a woman’s perspective, does this mean she’s hiding something, or that she never got over a guy (or guys) in her past? I’ve had enough vague responses from her.  I want to know why…

Please help…

Answer

I think you really need to ask yourself: “What difference does it make?”  Is there anything she could say that would change the way you feel about her?  And if there’s not, then why is it that her saying nothing gets under your skin so much?

There are a dozen reasons why your girlfriend is not forthcoming – but does it really matter why?  She could have been abused, she could have been molested.  She could have had amazing sex with an ex and she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings!  Maybe she has no sexual history at all and she feels embarrassed by this.  Whatever the case, when she’s ready, and if she’s ready, she’ll discuss it with you.  A woman needs to feel safe and secure to discuss things like this.  Badgering her isn’t going to make her feel safe or secure.  

If you really care for this woman, simply let her know that you care for her, and that her past doesn’t matter, and that you don’t expect her to share with you – but that if she ever feels like sharing details with you, that you are open to listening without judgment and that it won’t change how you feel about her.

Then LET IT GO! Don’t bring up the subject again.  Let her lead the conversation if and when she chooses to do so.

Love,

Lissa